Sometimes it sucks

I hate that I can't be a part of things because of you. Making my decision to walk away from you, I knew it would alienate more than just you. Most times I can ignore it, but to see your happy smiling face made me so angry. I hate that I can't be there for the good times and the bad times with my family. I know that if I was there, it would not have been confortable to be near you. I know that I can not force other people to make the same decision as me, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that she got everyone and I got no one. While this hurts and I wish I could have been there to raise a toast to my cousin, it's not as bad as the sad times. I want to be there for all of it. Sure, everyone wants to do the fun stuff, but the sad stuff is when we need each other the most. Not attending my grandfather's funeral because I was afraid of you probably would have made him sad too. I was forced to grieve alone. I didn't have a shoulder to cry on while you embraced the family for love and support. So here I sit, alone, raising my glass to my beautiful cousin. I know this was my choice, but sometimes it sucks. Today it sucks.