Whisper Close

Hold me close.
Hold me dear.
Whisper into my ear the words, I want to hear.
Hold me close.

I feel alone.
I feel sad.
Even with your sleeping soul, next to my heart.
I feel alone.

Reach out to me.
Reach out to the stars.
Show me the love lost in the sky.
Reach out to me.

Hold me close.
Hold me dear.
Look into my eyes, see my soul.
Hold me close.

I feel alone.
I feel sad.
But hold me close and whisper the words.
Reach out to me.

All Fades (originally written 1/29/01)

All Fades

Standing alone in my room,
Your face smiling at me.
For a moment all is complete,
Then with a touch, all fades.

I try to smile back,
Your eyes hold so much promise.
I will I could show you,
But your stare goes blank, all fades.

Wanting to hold your hand,
I reach out, but too far away.
Your smile never falters,
It stays unchanged as all fades.

I get closer and closer,
Hoping to feel your breath.
I reach out to hold you,
You stand still as all fades.

I can see my reflection,
Inside the glass.
It's your picture,
My smile slides away, all fades.

She finally asked the question I hoped to avoid forever...

So we were in the car and Peanut finally asked about my mom.  She wanted to know what her name was.  For the last several years, I have always asked her the question back.  She would say, "Mommy, who is your mommy?" and I would say, "Who do you think is my mommy?"  She would usually reply with Nana (my wonderful aunt) and I would tell her that it was a really good guess so I didn't have to lie.  But something felt different about it this time.  Maybe its because she is finally six or because I thought she could handle more information.  So when she asked I told her the truth.  She said that she thought Nana was my mommy.  I told her that was a great guess and that my mommy and daddy were not always able to take care of me so I lived with Nana and Pappy for a while so its like they are mom and dad.  All of that was the truth in its most simplest terms.  I don't think she is ready to know every terrible detail, I'm not sure that she needs every awful moment in my life to fill her brain with devastating images, but I do want her to know the truth.  I also want her to know why I did what I did, I wanted to protect her and her brother.  I decided that I will answer any question she has with the truth in a way that she can understand, but I will not give more information that she needs until she asks.  So for now, she knows both my mom and dad's names and how my brothers (the one she knows and the one she has never met) are connected and how my step-father and step-sister fit into all of this.  It is a tangled web over here, but in the center is my desire to protect my children as best I can from the harm that the world can bring while showing them the beauty that is our world.