I think about the day I became mom and it fills me with joy because my daughter brings me joy. I hope that one day she knows the joy she brings to my life. It was something I never felt. I was never the joy in her life and it hurts. I know that I wouldn't be here without her. And I wouldn't be able to celebrate my life without her. But I do. Every year without her is hard and disappointing. Just not as disappointing when she was there. It's hard to describe, but today and Mother's Day are two days I would gladly skip, but I know that's selfish because these two days are extremely important to my kids, the two sources of joy in my life. So no matter how much it sucks for me, I know it's important for them. Happy 34th to me!
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Birthday
Today is one of the two most difficult days for me. Regardless of what we do to celebrate the day, it is always twinged with sadness and guilt. I wish I could be in a different place with her, but I can't do it. I know that today is not only my birthday, but also the day she became a mom.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Hard
Is it hard to hold on?
Is it hard to lie?
Or is it harder to keep track of the lies?
Is it hard to not be able to say good-bye?
Is it hard to not see the pain or sadness?
Can you pretend the past is fictional? How do you do it? Sure, I can have a moment or two or even ten when I am not thinking about my past. But it is always there. I can't change what happened, but I can change how it impacts my future. The words you shared may have been blurred with your version of the story, but they were the true colors of my life. No matter what, I now know the truth. The truth you have covered in lies. You may not remember all the lies you told, however, I can see through them. I can't look through the blinders anymore. I am not going to hide behind my beliefs and my truth.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't have let go, but I did. I finally stopped believing the lies and focused on the truth. The hard part wasn't saying good-bye, it was actually meaning it. It is hard to see the pain and sadness, but it is even harder to heal. Everyday I do everything I can to not forget the lies, but to learn from the truth and heal. I am not sure I will every be truly healed, but I am closer than I was the day before.
Is it hard to lie?
Or is it harder to keep track of the lies?
Is it hard to not be able to say good-bye?
Is it hard to not see the pain or sadness?
Can you pretend the past is fictional? How do you do it? Sure, I can have a moment or two or even ten when I am not thinking about my past. But it is always there. I can't change what happened, but I can change how it impacts my future. The words you shared may have been blurred with your version of the story, but they were the true colors of my life. No matter what, I now know the truth. The truth you have covered in lies. You may not remember all the lies you told, however, I can see through them. I can't look through the blinders anymore. I am not going to hide behind my beliefs and my truth.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't have let go, but I did. I finally stopped believing the lies and focused on the truth. The hard part wasn't saying good-bye, it was actually meaning it. It is hard to see the pain and sadness, but it is even harder to heal. Everyday I do everything I can to not forget the lies, but to learn from the truth and heal. I am not sure I will every be truly healed, but I am closer than I was the day before.
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