Happy Birthday to Me!

So here I sit on the eve of my 30th birthday, alone watching the clock tick away the last few minutes of my 29th year.  I am not scared to turn 30, I am ready for a new decade, but I definitely didn't think this is where I would be for this birthday.  I have decided that my new goal for this year would be to appreciate the little things in life along with the bigger ones.  So here is my list of 30 things that I am thankful.

I am thankful for....
1. my beautiful little girl.
1. my beautiful little boy.
1. my husband.
4.  my family.
5. my friends.
6. my faith in God.
7. the food on my table.
8. the roof over my head.

9.  the clothes on my back.
10.  the memories of loved ones that have passed.
11. a good song on the radio while driving.
12. the calming sound of the ocean.
13.  the feeling of freedom.
14. the color of the leaves as they change.
15. how passionate my little girl can be.
16. how laid-back my little boy is.
17. chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.
18. the wind when it smells like honeysuckles.
19. the smell of fresh flowers.
20. flip-flops.
21. the warmth of the sun on even the coldest day.
22. a rainbow after a rainstorm.
23. the smell of fresh cut grass.
24. swedish fish and Dr. Pepper.
25. snuggling in bed on a cold day.
26. my little girl's smile.
27. my little boy's giggle.
28. the strength in my marriage.
29. the love I feel from the ones I love.
30. my inner strength.


My two greatest gifts:

The Eve of my New Job

So I got a part-time job.  I am happy to have the opportunity to get out of the house for a little while and to have some adult conversations. Just think, a conversation that doesn't have the words: cheerios, potty, poopy, snot, pee-pee, Calliou, Barney or Sesame Street in it. :-) Or answering the same questions at least fifteen times in five minutes.  I am truly sad to leave my babies everyday, but I know that they will be in good hands and be safe and happy.  It did come with so many things to get ready, that I am feeling actually prepared to start.

We found a nanny to watch the kids two days a week.  It is more money that we would like to spend, but it is a better situation for all involved.  Anna is so excited for her to come in the morning, that she is still trying to fall asleep. 

I hope the excitement wears off soon because I am not sure how many more late nights I can handle. 

It's not my ideal job, but I am thankful to have a job and make some money for my family.  However, I am still looking for my dream job.  I know I will find it, I just have to be patient. 

I am always so afraid that I will oversleep that I am wide awake and have trouble falling asleep.  I know tonight will be a long night, but usually the first night is the worst and then I am over my fear.  I will let you know that I have never overslept for an important moment in my life.  I am confident I will make it on time, but that never makes it easier to fall asleep.

I hope this is the dawn of a better life and I am hoping that we do amazing things with this change.

A little bit of hope

A very dear friend of mine tragically lost her daughter and grandson one year ago today.  I know that the pain is extreme and still very raw, but maybe this brings a little hope.


The sun's touch is a little warmer,
Even though each day is a little darker.

Each rainbow appears a little brighter,
But every smile is weaker.

Every cloud just a little fluffier,
While the air seems heavier.

Even the moon is a dazzling light,
While the night's silence is deafening.

I am envious of the skies,
Each dancing with the stars,
Full of freedom and love.

I hope to meet them again
And dance into the winds.

Sadness is overwhelming,
While waiting for that moment.

Until that moment, I know that
Earth is smaller without the ones we love,
Because Heaven received not one, but two angels.

Ocean Breezes

We spent the last week at the beach.  Slathered in sunscreen and wearing our hats: we played in the sand.  Lucas loved every minute of it after he got over his fear of the great wide ocean.  Anna was a little more scared of the ocean, but by the end of the week, she wanted to play in the water.

I am so glad that both peanut and cookie loved the beach.  I know that it is important to Daddy that they love the ocean.  I know that they may have a little fear each time, they will love the beach as much as he does.  I, however, am still trying to clean the sand out of everything and everywhere. 

We had beautiful weather and an amazing time.  Here are some pictures of the little ones on the beach.

Anna took this last picture and I think she did a pretty good job.

Wordless Wednesday

Kaliedoscope Explosion

Brightly colored lights exploded above,
Squealing, shrieking, whining through the sky.
Blue
Yellow
Red
White
and Green.
Eyes full of wonder---gazing.
Sun kissed cheeks and sticky fingers
pointed toward the stars.

Shiny, bright streams of lights,
shooting towards the heaven.
Giggling in the darkness,
a brilliant, incredible burst of life.



Happy Birthday America!

Five questions Friday

Thanks Tiffany (NY Island Girl) for posting this, I love these types of things!

1. What is one thing you miss the most about childhood?


2. Are you still friends with your friends from high school?

3. Is there a catch phrase, cliche, or word that just drives you bonkers every time you hear it?

4. What is one thing that you think symbolizes America...besides "Old Glory"?

5. What are your 4th of July weekend plans?

 
 
Answers:
1. I think the thing I miss most is the carefree summer days: catching lightning bugs, playing kick ball, eating ice cream, playing on the swingset and the water wars.
 
2. I am still very close with 3 high school friends.  I love those girls.  There are many I still talk to, but I don't get to see as often as I would like.
 
3. I don't like the 'f' word.  It is a word, I rarely say, its usually an event when I do.  I just don't like it and it drives me crazy that so many people use it without any concern.
 
4. I think that fireworks are a great symbol of America.
 
5. Trip to the zoo, visiting some friends and then a BBQ with a friend I haven't seen in quite a while.  Relaxed, but fun.
 

Wordless (kinda) Wednesday

So tonight, I am going to give a picture journey of our wedding.  It has been five and half years since we were married.  It was an awesome party!

Taken by a wonderful photographer and his wife whom I love dearly!

The end of an era

Friday was my last day of work.  It was truly bittersweet.  I am really looking forward to spending the summer with peanut and cookie, but I was not ready for the uncertainty of not having a job in a few months.  Everyone says that I will get a job and I desperately want to believe that, but with each resume I send (I am well over 100), I feel less sure that everyone is right.  I am going to trust that God has a plan for me and will show me the light now that I have closed this chapter in my life. 
Each day last week, there were tears with most tears on Friday as I walked out of the building for the last time.  I drove home as the tears streamed down my face and I prayed that there would be a silver lining somewhere in this moment.  
I am still looking for that silver lining, but for now I will enjoy the summer with my children.  I will keep looking for my next job adventure and try my best to enjoy the journey.  However, the best part of it all is that I do not need to set an alarm for tomorrow.  Yippee!

Wordless Wednesday

Peanut turns 3!

Anna's third birthday was Saturday.  In true Alisa and Adam style, we threw not just one, but two parties.  We had the family/adult party on Saturday and then a friend party on Sunday. A BBQ complete with a castle cake and a purse cake on Saturday and then pizza with pink and purple cupcakes on Sunday. Anna loved every exhausting minute and Momma just loves to see her smile.

For days, she talked about who was coming to her party.  She was dying to see her cousin, Noemi and her best friend Lily.  She and Noemi enjoyed a wonderful afternoon playing and running around together with Lucas doing his best to keep up.  Then spent Sunday with her best friend, Lily, jumping around the gymnastic place and giggling. Now we are in love with all the presents that have taken over our living room, not to mention all the cute clothes she received.  It is obvious that Peanut had a great birthday.

What I love most about her birthday is remembering that day.  The day that Anna came into our life.  Anna is independent and does things the way that she wants and her entrance in the world was a clear indication of what life is like with Anna.

I had been on modified bed rest for about five weeks and we were getting to the end.  I never really got to sleep on Monday night and by about 2:30 am, I knew I was in labor.  I woke up Adam and called the doctor.  We made it to the hospital by 3:30am and I was left to do my own thing.  Adam and I were prepared for the long haul and even waited to call our families because we thought this would last a long time.  At my first check up around 7:45, I was ready to have an epidural.  While getting ready for some pain medication for Momma is when Anna decided that she was ready and didn't want to wait for Momma's epidural.

Anna entered the world at 8:18am on June 5th, 2007 and Momma survived labor and delivery with no medication.  She was in such a hurry that our families barely made it to the hospital.  So much for listening to the labor and delivery class we took a few weeks before.

That's my Anna, my beautiful, amazing Anna.  She does things the way that she wants and is always in a hurry to do it.  I love her determined spirit and persistence.  I love her laugh.  And what she says always makes me smile.  For example, last week while in the bath, she made up her own song, it went like this: "I want to be 4, yeah, I want to be 4. I am not gonna be 3, no, I am not 3.  I want to be 4."

I love her desire to learn and be the best she can be, but I don't want her to grow up too fast.  So this summer, our goal is patience.

Picasso

So today since it was warm, I put Lucas down for a nap in just a t-shirt and a diaper.  I heard some chatter and babble through the door and eventually it was quiet.  Well, once I heard the stirring, I ascended the steps to his room.  Upon opening the door, the smell almost knocked me over.  There was my son, naked and covered in poo.  It was all over his body and matted in his hair.  Then I discovered that he artistically placed it all over the sheet and the poles of his crib.  A future Picasso living in my very own home.
Asking for Adam's help, we cleaned the baby and the crib. The topper was him standing up in the tub to pee.   However, I did not take a picture to post, so you will have to live the image in your head. :-)
 But here is one of my favorite messy pictures of Lucas.

Momma lesson for the day: Don't put your son to bed without pants/onesie on.

Tears of Sadness

I didn’t post yesterday. Even though I am a mom to two wonderful children, Mother’s Day is one of the hardest days for me. I was apparently never the good kid in my mom’s eyes. When I was in 3rd grade, we were making gifts for Mother’s Day and there was a girl who did not have a mom anymore (I am not sure of the reason why), so she was making a gift for her grandmother. I tried to be a good friend, so I decided that I didn’t want her to be alone, so I made one for my grandmother. However, when the day came, I had bought a gift with my dad for my mom and then we went to visit my grandparents and gave my gift to my grandmother. My mother was visibly upset about my gesture. I remember that was the first time I felt guilt about doing something nice for someone else.

I know now that my mom could not accept the fact that I tried to make a friend feel better, she could only focus on that I did not make something for her. My mom never could accept when I would do something nice if it wasn’t for her. I realize now how that affected me as an adult. It is my personality to want to help and now when I do try to help someone out, I wonder if it is making someone sad that I did help out.

The most life changing Mother’s Day for me was when she told me that she had breast cancer. I remember being so sad and devastated. She was young, only 42 and my youngest brother was 6. That Mother’s Day was sad, she cried when we went out to eat and we all worried about whether or not she would be with us for the next Mother’s Day. It was the beginning of a long and grueling summer. I spent most of that summer taking care of her and the family. I drove her to many of her chemo sessions and made sure that my brothers were taken care of each day. She successfully beat cancer and 12 years later, is still cancer free. It was this year that I remember everything changed. She became a different person and I was able to see all the deceit that was in her life that had filtered into mine. It was only six years after that Mother’s Day that I finally walked out.

Life crumbled around my mom.   She lost touch with reality and I refused to be a part of her world.  The same year that I walked away, I discovered a lump in my breast that had to be removed.  I am incredibly fortunate that it came back benign, but it was a scary experience.  I remember that on the next Mother's Day, I cried that I went through that without my mom by my side. It still amazes me that she didn't grow from her experience and become a better person and make something of her tragedy.

The last Mother's Day that I cried before today was the one right before Anna was born.  The Thursday before that day, I was placed on bedrest for the duration of my pregnancy and I was scared.  I wanted my baby to be okay, and I wanted my mom to be there for me and my fears.  But I made the choice to not have her in my life.

I can honestly say that I do miss my mom and this day makes me sad, but I know why I did what I did.  She recently sent me a letter and it took me a few months, but I finally responded, I was not comfortable about posting the whole thing, but I will post the last paragraph.  The pain is deep and it is still a very real emotion for me.  But it is a day like this, its raw.
For me and my family, I will not let my children be harmed by your choices, I will not let them feel the pain and disappointment that I have felt for a very long time. I am glad to hear that you are working on making your life better, congratulations. Unfortunately, eleven months of a program will not erase the pain and hurt you have caused me. I hope that you continue on your road to recovery and make something of yourself, but for me, I cannot be a part of your life. Sure, that may change in the future, but for now, I know that I am not ready. Please know that I am not angry and that I have forgiven you, but I will never forget. Please respect my decision and know that if and when I am ready, I will let you know.

Each word

I know what I should say.
I think about it everyday.
I stand here today alone,
I can still hear your tone.

Each sharp and jagged like a sword,
Turning deeper with each word.
You thought you knew best,
But I am still here in your mess.

What happened to my idol; my hero,
You left me feeling absolute zero.
I was left behind the closed door,
Alone, alone, having to fend for
myself.  You left me by myself.
My heart on the bottom shelf.

I cried my last tear,
You are still my worst fear,
Every day I do what I need to do,
But I won't say thank you.

Sunny days sweepin' the clouds away

On my way to where the air is sweet. 

 Can you tell me how to get, 

How to get to Sesame Street?

Today we went to Sesame Place for opening day.  I love that we live so close to this great amusement park for kids.  For anyone who doesn't know, I am a huge Muppets/Sesame Street fan.  I am truly a Henson fan at heart.  I love my Disney princesses, fairies and Mickey, but Kermit, Grover, Ernie, Bert, Big Bird and Oscar along with Fozzie, Swedish Chef, and Animal hold a very special place in my heart.

This is the second time that Anna has been there.  We went once when she was about 14 months old and we were getting ready to leave for Disney World and we wanted a trial run.  I knew that we could wait for a long time to see Mickey Mouse and I didn't want her to turn into a hot mess when we got close to him.  She did surprisingly well  (and loved Mickey when we got there).  This time around, we are also getting ready for our Disney Trip in August and Lucas has only been near the Easter Bunny and that was an awful experience.

So we packed up the car, lathered ourselves with sunscreen and off we went.  Anna was so excited and ready to see Elmo and ride any ride that she could go on.  I am happy to report that she has no fear.  She went on every ride including the roller coaster.  I am so proud of her.  She loved every moment and happily passed out in the car on the way home.  I am even more pleased to report that Lucas did fairly well today also.  He went on a few rides without tears and was relatively close to Abby Cadabby and Elmo while Anna ran up and hugged both and smiled widely.  So in all, it was a great afternoon and a positive indication that Disney World will be filled with giggles and wonderful memories.

I hope that today is something Anna remembers as she gets older.  Due to circumstances, I do not have many pictures of my childhood.  I do, however, have one that is inside a collage frame that hangs on the wall on way up the stairs and it is me at about the same age as Anna sitting on Maria's lap.  I love that picture.  I remember the place where the picture was taken but that is the only memory I have of that trip.  I have always loved Sesame Place and I am so glad that I now have children to share it with.  Anna and Lucas had a great day and I am really looking forward to not only going back to Sesame Place, but also our Disney Trip.  I really want my child to have happy memories from growing up.  I really want them to look back fondly on their childhoods.  I hope that today was just one memory that Anna will carry with her and then someday share it with her children.

Today really was a sunny day and there wasn't a cloud in sight so I know that everything is A-OK.

Back my Heart

Standing on the edge,
Just take a deep breath
And letting go.

Looking from the sidelines,
Forgetting to breathe
And moving slow.

I can do this,
I can win back my heart
And stand on top.

I am not afraid,
I know I am not alone
And I won't stop.

I have done it,
I have moved on
And I am on my own.

Walk like a (little) man

It's okay baby boy, I will catch you if you fall.  I know that you can do this.  You are such a big boy. Momma is so proud of you. I can't believe my little Cookie is ready to walk.  What happened to my little baby boy?

Lucas is there, he is on the verge of walking.  Yesterday, he took a few steps all by himself.  He was so proud of himself, that as he giggled at his accomplishment, I had scooped him up into my arms to kiss his little face.  His little giggle is infectious and I can't help but giggle with him.  He is always so proud of himself when he learns a new "trick".  But as a momma, it makes me embarrassed to admit that I don't remember every moment.  With Anna, I remember everything, every time she did something new, I remember her first word, her first step, the first time she broke into a run, the first time she said "I love you", the first time she said "Momma" and most importantly, I can see her smile when I close my eyes. 

But with Lucas it is different, I can't believe I am writing this down for the whole world to see, but I can't remember all of that.  I know that everyone says that the second baby gets less than the first one, but I was determined to not let Lucas feel left out or become an adult and ask where his pictures are or me to not answer a question about his childhood.  I love my children the same, but time really does change things, with Anna, I was trying to commit everything to memory, but with Lucas I live in the moment.  I can rejoice in everything he does, but I have to find a better way to make it into a memory.  I never want him to feel less important.  Maybe it is all in my head, I do have a wild imagination, but I hope that he knows I love him just as much as his big sister.

Know this Cookie, Momma loves you more than life and that first step was sweet and precious and we giggled about each of those wobbly steps.  I can't wait to run with you in the backyard this summer and giggle about how sweet life really is because with you in my life baby boy, life really is a little sweeter.

  

Hair, Lips and Brainiac14

Here I sit again at the beach house watching Adam and Nick as Adam plays a Wii game and they both have a drink.  My life really is like a sit-com, one in particular: Boy Meets World.  It is probably one of my all-time favorite shows.  The three of us always joke about what we would name ourselves if we were ever on a game show and we did narrow it down to two choices and they are both from the show: Hair, Lips and Brainiac14 or The Exits.  For those of you (if I have any readers/followers) that are not familiar with the show, the first choice is from the episode when the trio (Cory, Shawn and Topanga) are on a high school scholastic game show and as the show under goes changes to make it more hip; the producers change the trios names to Hair (Topanga), Lips (Shawn) and Brainiac14 (Cory).  The other is a reference to the band that Cory and Shawn put together and they name the band at the last minute and call themselves The Exits.  We love this show and yes, we admit it, we are TV junkies. 

Last night after Adam had passed out on the couch, Nick and I looked at a list of TV shows and tried to figure out which side of the TV was the front door on.  It was so much fun.  Well last night's game led to watching you tube clips and singing along to our favorite TV show theme songs with cartoons included.  It makes us laugh at how many we still know the words to.  Its nice to be reminded of your childhood once and a while. 

One of my favorite parts of being part of this threesome is the fun we have, I love to hang out and just be me.  So I will leave you with the words of Eric Matthew's (Cory's older brother) manifesto: "Lose one friend.  Lose all friends.  Lose yourself."

So thankful for my friends.

And be careful of what you do 'cause the lie becomes the truth

I just finished watching the return episode of Glee and I love it.  I love music, most of my life can be connected to a song or two.  Certain songs can take me back to a moment that was important in my life.  For example, the song "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something reminds me of one of my closest and dearest friends.  That was the song we would sing to each other in high school.  Everytime I hear it, I think of her and smile.

Not all songs bring on happy memories.  For example, "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton reminds me of a night that my parents went out before they were divorced. 
The lyrics are simple, but so loaded for me.  I picture my dad singing this song to my mom.

It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.

It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.
And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight."

I associate this song with bittersweet feelings because it reminds me one of the last times my parents were together and then their separation.  I don't hear it very often, but it can take me right back to 1990 and I am ten and my whole world changed when my mom forced my dad to leave.
I feel such a deep connection to music and I can see the same connection for Anna.  She loves music and is already learning lyrics and artists and songs.  Her current favorite is Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" and even though she doesn't understand the lyrics, she knows them all and when I hear it, I can't help but smile when I hear: "Billie Jean is not my lover, She's just a girl who claims that I am the one, But the kid is not my son, She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son."  There is nothing like a little girl dancing in the living room to a little MJ.

Sand and Snow

Everytime we decide to go away for the weekend, we usually end up in New Jersey.  Adam's parents own a place and we try to take advantage of it when we can.  Due to Adam's schedule, he usually doesn't have off on weekends so when they happen, we try to plan something worth while for the few days.

I love coming to the beach with Adam and the kids and my second husband, Nick.  Nick was part of the deal when I met Adam and I am glad for it.  The three of us fit well together and we always have a great time together.  I think that is why we have such a great time in Disney (but that is topic for a separate blog).  A picture, not from the beach, but from our wedding of me and both my husbands.

The problem with us is that the beach house gets rented in the summer so we are limited to going to the beach when it is not rented.  That usually means that we are down here in the off-season.  We have been here every month that is not June, July and August.  We do get to come in the summer, but we usually do that as a whole family which is quite a different experience.  But now, its quiet, relaxing and most importantly its a break from the everyday hustle and bustle.

Most people look at me a little strange when I say we are going to the beach for the weekend especially when it is snowing.  Its less about location and more about being able to spending time together and doing things that we wouldn't do at home.  At home, we think about what we should do: laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, straightening up, mowing the lawn (Adam's duty), or whether or not we want to paint the master bedroom (something we are still thinking about).  Here, we can sit, watch a movie and do nothing.

Anna loves to come to the beach because she likes to look at the ocean and there is a park we can walk to when its nice or visit the library. (Anna's first trip to the beach during the off season is the picture to the left) We do it as often as we can, but I like the feeling I get when I know we are coming.  I can leave life at home and just enjoy my family.  Life seems to stay in Pa and I like that, I leave all those worries and fears there and know that I can relax, hang out with some of my favorite people and maybe even have a beer or two.

Phightin' Phils

Today was opening day for baseball season.  The Phillies played the Washington Nationals in DC and won 11-1.  Baseball is one of my favorite sports to watch.  I love all parts of it and I am truly a Philly fan, I love all Philly sports teams, good and bad.  The love of baseball came from my grandfather. One of  his true loves was the Philadelphia Phillies.  He loved to listen to the games and when he could, watch them on TV.  The Phillies finally won a World Series in 2008.  It had been 28 years since they had won the World Series.  It was only a few short months after they won that my grandfather passed away.  I like to think that the Phillies did a little something extra to win so that my grandfather could see a win before he passed.  Many of the happy memories I have of Pop-Pop happened while watching or listening to baseball.  We even celebrated his 80 birthday in the new Phillies' ballpark which we all knew was one of the best days he ever had.

My grandfather was similiar to a baseball game, he was quiet, slow-paced and took life one day at a time just like the baseball season.  I see so many of those characteristics in my Lucas that I hope I can show him the joy of baseball just like Pop-Pop shared with me.  I miss Pop-Pop dearly.  He was a quiet constant in our lives that I know the whole family feels is missing. 

So I may not get to see or hear every Phillie game, I know that Pops is up there watching them play and still cheering them on just like me and just like I hope my kids will do.  Pops and I are hoping for a great season, so Phils don't let us down.

Grace

Most people are born into a religion and spend their entire life in that religion and never truly question it.  I however chose to change my religion.  I didn't go from one extreme to the other, but I do have people who question why I made the choice that I did.  I have two answers for my choice: I finally felt at home and my future children (at the time I made my decision, I did not have any).

As a child, I grew up in a Presbyterian church and attended church with my grandmother weekly, I went to Sunday school, Bible camp, was a member of the choir and also participated in the yearly Christmas pageant.  I loved church and learning about stories from the Bible.  When my parents got divorced, everything changed.  Even though divorce is a common word in our vocabulary, twenty years ago, my parents were some of the first among friends and families to make that decision.  I started to feel less welcome in the church and maybe because I was only 10, it was all in my head, but I really felt out of place.  I eventually stopped going to church.  Through my teenage years, I went to church a few times and read the Bible on my own and even went to a religious retreat in a desperate attempt to find a place where I felt welcome.  It wasn't until I was 18 that I walked into a church and felt like it was home.  My boyfriend at the time (now my husband) took me to church one Saturday night with his family.  We went to a Catholic mass and as I stood in that pew during the unfamiliar rituals, songs, hand shaking and prayers, I heard God's voice.  It was loud and clear like he was standing right next to me.  The words were so simple yet so strong, that I knew I had found what I was looking for after all those years.  While everyone was receiving communion, I heard the two words that I would never forget, "welcome home."

After hearing God's voice, I made every attempt to go to church with Adam.  I wanted to be there, I felt safe, I felt like I belonged, I finally felt like I had come home.  For the next few years I went with Adam as often as I could and then we got engaged.  I felt the closest to God during those months and I knew what I needed to do.  I did everything at church except receive communion and I knew that after we were married, that we would eventually have children and I didn't want them to wonder why mommy was the only one in the family who didn't participate in everything at church.  In the fall of 2003, I signed up for the RCIA classes that met once a week until Easter.  I learned about the Catholic religion and prepared mentally and emotionally for my confirmation into the Catholic church.  Every week, I felt closer to God and knew that this was the right decision for me.  The Saturday before Easter of 2004 was my first official day as a Catholic.  I made my confirmation and heard God's voice once more.  This time it was a little softer, but just as strong. 

Each Easter since then I feel comforted and safe in my choice of becoming a Catholic at the age of 23.  It took a while, but I found the place where I belong.  I was given the opportunity to choose a confirmation name and it was a difficult choice because I did not yet feel a connection to a particular saint, but there was a virtue that I felt connected to.  So it was on that Holy Saturday, six years ago that God called me by that name.  Standing at the alter in my moment of confirmation, I heard his voice.  It was those words that I think of each Easter  that remind me that my choice was right.  Regardless of others' opinions or feelings or questions, I know that it was the best choice for me.  Those simple words: "Welcome Home Grace."

A new month

Do you ever feel like you are in a funk you can't get out of?  For some reason, I just can't shake this funk.  The month of March was a rough month for us and I am so thankful that it is over.  Today was such a beautiful day, I am hoping it is my silver lining.  I need something to shake this feeling. 

I know that the overwhelming feeling is that the days for my job are numbered and I am afraid that I am not going to be able to find something before school starts in September.  I really don't have motivation to go back to work on Monday.  I really just don't feel like my commitment and loyalty was returned by my company.

That's my goal, I want a job that is as respectful, loyal and committed to me as I am to the company. 

Or maybe I need to find me a Daddy Warbucks, I would love to run my own business.  If I could I would bake cakes/pastries and all sorts of yummy stuff all day and I would be so happy.  I just need someone who wants to help me do it.  I love to bake.  I really wish that I could do it all day everyday and make a living.  Here are two examples of cakes that I have created since realizing how much I enjoy it.

That Dory/Marlin cake makes me smile almost enough to snap out of my funk.  Well, at the very least, tomorrow is suppose to be just as beautiful as today, hopefully that will help.  April has to be better, right?

"your"...

Is there one thing in the world that can make you become a kid again?  Is it a word, a smell, a place, a sound, or a certain food?  For me, its a word.  One simple word before another word and my whole world is turned upside down.  Fortunately for most people, that world is in my head and they don't know what happens when they say it.  Its not any every day occurence, but it does happen often enough. 

Many people remember their childhood fondly and have happy memories of people, places and things.  I would never claim that my childhood was completely horrible, but the bad memories trump the happy ones on most days.  Before you think I am asking for pity, know that I am completely at peace with my choice.  I also know that without my childhood, I would not be me today.

As an adult, I made a very difficult choice to leave my parents.  Now that doesn't sound crazy or ridiculous as an adult, but I had to eliminate them from my life completely.  They made decisions that I don't agree with, so I chose to walk away.  This was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done and the scariest.  Would I make it on my own?  Was I making the right choice?  Will my brothers be okay?  Will I regret this one day? Would I someday hope to have them with me again?  Am I crazy?  Is this the right choice?

I know the answers to each of these questions.  I think the hardest part for me is that there are times when I am sad that they are not with me like my wedding day, the day each of my children were born, the day I bought my house or the other day when I lost my job.  The sad part is that what I miss is not my parents, but the parental figure.  I want a parent, but not necessarily mine.  I want what you see in pictures and movies, the loving, caring and comforting parental figure, not the ones that I got.  But do I regret my choice?  Not for a second.  I made the right choice for me and for my family.  I know that I am who I am because of my life, but rather than dwell in the bad choices, I have choosen to live above it for my husband and my children, but most importantly for myself.

So when someone says, "your mom" or "your dad" and the words are directed at me, yes, I may respond with: I don't know or I'm not sure and move on, but there is a hurricane of emotions and thoughts racing through my head and for a moment or two or more, I am ten again and scared.

Precious Life

Today I learned that one of my students was killed last night.  Death always brings people back to how precious life really is, but when the death is a young person, I think that it becomes a scary reality that someone can leave this life in an instant. 

She was a beautiful young girl and I know that she will be deeply missed by her community. I will pray for her family and friends during this difficult time.  I hope that my students lean on each other and honor her by living their life to the fullest.

For everyone, hug everyone you love a little tighter and if you love someone, tell that person.  Do let anything go till tomorrow because tomorrow may never come.  Life is far too short and precious to let love pass you by. 

"Lead her to a place, guide her with your grace, to a place where she'll be safe."-Celine Dion

Hugs and Kisses

I am blessed to have two children: a little girl and a little boy.  Annastasia (aka Peanut) is two and half and Lucas (aka Cookie) just turned one at the beginning of the March.  The smile on their face when I see them makes even the worst day seem so much better.  One of the best days was the first day that Anna told me that she loved me without being prompted.  I always say "good-night, I love you" when I tuck her into bed at night and she always responds, "I love you too, momma." 

One of the most facinating things about someone learning the English language is that they are trying to learn how to use words correctly and are always mixing up their words.  Toddlers are a good example of this.  Anna is always swtiching words around for example, she always says, "hold you," which means 'hold me'.  So the first time that Anna said 'i love you' she actually said "i love you too momma".  The pure happiness in her voice and the smile on her face is the reason I fall in love with her again and again every single day. 

My children are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.  I love them so very much.  No matter what kind of day I am having, the giggles and the love that they have for me reminds me that happiness can be found not in a perfect job, car, house or even money, but it is found in those two little arms that wrap around my neck and the little voice that says, "i love you too momma."

Breathing Underwater

Tuesday was anything but a normal day.  I hadn't slept in days, five days to be exact.  Thursday morning I received an email that I was meeting the HR guy about my job and it would happen on Tuesday at 2pm.  For the next several days, I paced and then eventually had a breakdown and cried.  What could this be about?  Would they really let me go?  Could I be losing my job?  What will I do? Will my family be okay?  Will I make it to Tuesday?

Well, I made it Tuesday, barely, but there I was, working and doing everything I could so that I did not sit at my desk and watch the clock tick the seconds by.  The time arrives and I give myself a pep talk.  I felt like Rodney Dangerfield in Ladybugs  where he says, "My name is Chester.  I am great.  I am wonderful.  Everybody likes me."  I can do this, I can walk into this meeting and walk out okay.  Whatever it is, I will survive.  I am stronger than this and something better is going to happen.

He delivers the news, "due to budget cuts, it has been recommended that your job be eliminated at the end of the school year."  As a teacher, I have read numerous books and at that moment, I knew what Alex Flinn (author of Breathing Underwater) meant when Nick, the main character, says "Ever feel like you're breathing underwater, and you have to stop because you're gulping in too much fluid?"  I felt like the oxygen had been sucked out of the room and I could only swallow fluid.  It took everything in me to hold back my tears and I almost made it through the meeting without crying, but when I thought of my students, I lost it.  I was letting them down.  Who would help them?  How will they become better writers? Will they survive? Will the teachers survive? Will I survive?

I always knew how unique my position really was and when the first talk of budget cuts emerged, I knew I was on the chopping block, but I never thought that the moment my job came to an end that it would feel like an elephant had sat on my chest and I would struggle to breath, much like I was underwater. 

A few days later, I can laugh and smile, but that elephant is still on my chest.  I question my worth, my goals in life, and what will happen to my family.  I know think that the fact that this meeting happened on my half-birthday is no coincidence.  I have six months until I turn thirty and I am determined.  I am going to find who I am, maybe discover a calling and hopefully send that elephant back to the grasslands.