Marshes-found poetry

Perched observing Angels,

Generous, good karma. 

Love. Honor. 

Soundless generation-

beautiful, wonderful ones. 

Friendships, relationships

Crowded informality. 

Accidental open space:

absolutely true. 

Friends move on with love for years to come. 

Widow-found poetry.

The widow stage.

One artist got her wish. 

Honor, loved, together. 

Reunited.

The world stops

Simon and Garfunkel's "the sound of silence"

Breezy sound

Broad grin: a gift

Distinguished whistling.

Hushed.

Tears from his widow. 

The night

That view!

Simon smiled. 

Crumble

Struggling alone. 

Keeping it all inside,  

Hidden behind a smile. 

You think you know,

But it's all a mystery. 

Without looking inside,

You'll never truly believe. 

The pain is real,

The fear is real,

The sad truth revealed,

A moment as me:

Jagged pieces of you. 

Birthday

Today is one of the two most difficult days for me. Regardless of what we do to celebrate the day, it is always twinged with sadness and guilt. I wish I could be in a different place with her, but I can't do it. I know that today is not only my birthday, but also the day she became a mom.

I think about the day I became mom and it fills me with joy because my daughter brings me joy. I hope that one day she knows  the joy she brings to my life. It was something I never felt. I was never the joy in her life and it hurts. I know that I wouldn't be here without her. And I wouldn't be able to celebrate my life without her. But I do. Every year without her is hard and disappointing. Just not as  disappointing when she was there. It's hard to describe, but today and Mother's Day are two days I would gladly skip, but I know that's selfish because these two days are extremely important to my kids, the two sources of joy in my life. So no matter how much it sucks for me, I know it's important for them. Happy 34th to me!

Hard

Is it hard to hold on?
Is it hard to lie?
Or is it harder to keep track of the lies?
Is it hard to not be able to say good-bye?
Is it hard to not see the pain or sadness?  

Can you pretend the past is fictional? How do you do it?  Sure, I can have a moment or two or even ten when I am not thinking about my past.  But it is always there.  I can't change what happened, but I can change how it impacts my future.  The words you shared may have been blurred with your version of the story, but they were the true colors of my life.  No matter what, I now know the truth.  The truth you have covered in lies.  You may not remember all the lies you told, however, I can see through them.  I can't look through the blinders anymore.  I am not going to hide behind my beliefs and my truth.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't have let go, but I did.  I finally stopped believing the lies and focused on the truth.  The hard part wasn't saying good-bye, it was actually meaning it.  It is hard to see the pain and sadness, but it is even harder to heal.  Everyday I do everything I can to not forget the lies, but to learn from the truth and heal.  I am not sure I will every be truly healed, but I am closer than I was the day before.

In Your Space (originally written 9/9/01)

Closing my eyes,
I pretend to feel your arms,
Reaching out to hold me, I sigh,
relaxing in your space.

You hold my hand so tight,
Sending your love into each movement.
Each caress, perfectly soft,
Relaxing inside your space.


I shut my eyes tighter,
Hoping to feel your skin
touching mine, closing the distance,
Relaxing in your space.

Can I dream forever?
So that you are always near.
I can't feel safe unless we are
Relaxing in your space.

Wishing someday comes soon,
So your skin can touch mine,
A real moment to share,
Relaxing in your space.

Maybe Someday

Maybe someday.
I miss you.
I love you.
I miss you.
I love you.
Remember this?  Remember that?

Maybe someday, what?  Is something going to happen someday?  Will you see the truth once and for all?  One day, will it smack you on the forehead?  Are you going to get your head out of the clouds and think of someone other than yourself for once?  In almost 34 years, you were always number one in your world.  I was never number one.  I don't think I will ever be number one.  I may be the first born, but really I should be called, the first annoyance.  I was never your child.  Just something you had to deal with for 23 years till I walked away. 

Having children does change a person, it changed me in a way I never thought possible.  They mean everything to me, I would do anything and everything to protect them.  You can't say that.  You never protected me from anything.  You never protected me from anything especially you.  But just because I have children does not mean I want you in my life.  Nor do I want you in their lives.  And no, my children are not available for display or to show off.  They are actual people with feelings and thoughts and questions.  Lots and lots of questions.  They see things, they understand things and no, they do not miss a thing.  Don't think for one second that it's all rainbows and butterflies over here.  They know who you are, but no, they don't get to know you.

So when you said all of those things and I responded with, "I know."  It is the only thing I can say without losing my self-control.  It's the only safe thing I can say in front of my children because they don't understand. To be honest, I don't want them to understand the pain and abuse that Mommy had to live through. 

So what would I have said if they were not there? 

Maybe someday.  Maybe someday, you will admit that you were the one who made bad decisions, not me.

I miss you.  I miss the fact that I can't have someone in my corner rooting for me, always being my cheerleader.

I love you.   I love the idea of you. 

I miss you.  I miss the fact that my children don't know their grandparents.  Every child deserves to know and understand the happiness of having a grandparent.

I love you.   And yes, I do love you.  But I know if I say it, you will take it as an opening into my life and I have not unlocked the door.

Remember this?  I remember being the parent in the house at 12 years old, yeah, I remember that.

Remember that?  Remember the lies.  Yeah, I remember lying to protect myself.  


Maybe someday.

I am just not sure that someday is in your lifetime or even mine.  Maybe for someone else, but not me.