Back my Heart

Standing on the edge,
Just take a deep breath
And letting go.

Looking from the sidelines,
Forgetting to breathe
And moving slow.

I can do this,
I can win back my heart
And stand on top.

I am not afraid,
I know I am not alone
And I won't stop.

I have done it,
I have moved on
And I am on my own.

Walk like a (little) man

It's okay baby boy, I will catch you if you fall.  I know that you can do this.  You are such a big boy. Momma is so proud of you. I can't believe my little Cookie is ready to walk.  What happened to my little baby boy?

Lucas is there, he is on the verge of walking.  Yesterday, he took a few steps all by himself.  He was so proud of himself, that as he giggled at his accomplishment, I had scooped him up into my arms to kiss his little face.  His little giggle is infectious and I can't help but giggle with him.  He is always so proud of himself when he learns a new "trick".  But as a momma, it makes me embarrassed to admit that I don't remember every moment.  With Anna, I remember everything, every time she did something new, I remember her first word, her first step, the first time she broke into a run, the first time she said "I love you", the first time she said "Momma" and most importantly, I can see her smile when I close my eyes. 

But with Lucas it is different, I can't believe I am writing this down for the whole world to see, but I can't remember all of that.  I know that everyone says that the second baby gets less than the first one, but I was determined to not let Lucas feel left out or become an adult and ask where his pictures are or me to not answer a question about his childhood.  I love my children the same, but time really does change things, with Anna, I was trying to commit everything to memory, but with Lucas I live in the moment.  I can rejoice in everything he does, but I have to find a better way to make it into a memory.  I never want him to feel less important.  Maybe it is all in my head, I do have a wild imagination, but I hope that he knows I love him just as much as his big sister.

Know this Cookie, Momma loves you more than life and that first step was sweet and precious and we giggled about each of those wobbly steps.  I can't wait to run with you in the backyard this summer and giggle about how sweet life really is because with you in my life baby boy, life really is a little sweeter.

  

Hair, Lips and Brainiac14

Here I sit again at the beach house watching Adam and Nick as Adam plays a Wii game and they both have a drink.  My life really is like a sit-com, one in particular: Boy Meets World.  It is probably one of my all-time favorite shows.  The three of us always joke about what we would name ourselves if we were ever on a game show and we did narrow it down to two choices and they are both from the show: Hair, Lips and Brainiac14 or The Exits.  For those of you (if I have any readers/followers) that are not familiar with the show, the first choice is from the episode when the trio (Cory, Shawn and Topanga) are on a high school scholastic game show and as the show under goes changes to make it more hip; the producers change the trios names to Hair (Topanga), Lips (Shawn) and Brainiac14 (Cory).  The other is a reference to the band that Cory and Shawn put together and they name the band at the last minute and call themselves The Exits.  We love this show and yes, we admit it, we are TV junkies. 

Last night after Adam had passed out on the couch, Nick and I looked at a list of TV shows and tried to figure out which side of the TV was the front door on.  It was so much fun.  Well last night's game led to watching you tube clips and singing along to our favorite TV show theme songs with cartoons included.  It makes us laugh at how many we still know the words to.  Its nice to be reminded of your childhood once and a while. 

One of my favorite parts of being part of this threesome is the fun we have, I love to hang out and just be me.  So I will leave you with the words of Eric Matthew's (Cory's older brother) manifesto: "Lose one friend.  Lose all friends.  Lose yourself."

So thankful for my friends.

And be careful of what you do 'cause the lie becomes the truth

I just finished watching the return episode of Glee and I love it.  I love music, most of my life can be connected to a song or two.  Certain songs can take me back to a moment that was important in my life.  For example, the song "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something reminds me of one of my closest and dearest friends.  That was the song we would sing to each other in high school.  Everytime I hear it, I think of her and smile.

Not all songs bring on happy memories.  For example, "Wonderful Tonight" by Eric Clapton reminds me of a night that my parents went out before they were divorced. 
The lyrics are simple, but so loaded for me.  I picture my dad singing this song to my mom.

It's late in the evening; she's wondering what clothes to wear.
She puts on her make-up and brushes her long blonde hair.
And then she asks me, "Do I look all right?"
And I say, "Yes, you look wonderful tonight."

We go to a party and everyone turns to see
This beautiful lady that's walking around with me.
And then she asks me, "Do you feel all right?"
And I say, "Yes, I feel wonderful tonight."

I feel wonderful because I see
The love light in your eyes.
And the wonder of it all
Is that you just don't realize how much I love you.

It's time to go home now and I've got an aching head,
So I give her the car keys and she helps me to bed.
And then I tell her, as I turn out the light,
I say, "My darling, you were wonderful tonight.
Oh my darling, you were wonderful tonight."

I associate this song with bittersweet feelings because it reminds me one of the last times my parents were together and then their separation.  I don't hear it very often, but it can take me right back to 1990 and I am ten and my whole world changed when my mom forced my dad to leave.
I feel such a deep connection to music and I can see the same connection for Anna.  She loves music and is already learning lyrics and artists and songs.  Her current favorite is Michael Jackson's "Billie Jean" and even though she doesn't understand the lyrics, she knows them all and when I hear it, I can't help but smile when I hear: "Billie Jean is not my lover, She's just a girl who claims that I am the one, But the kid is not my son, She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son."  There is nothing like a little girl dancing in the living room to a little MJ.

Sand and Snow

Everytime we decide to go away for the weekend, we usually end up in New Jersey.  Adam's parents own a place and we try to take advantage of it when we can.  Due to Adam's schedule, he usually doesn't have off on weekends so when they happen, we try to plan something worth while for the few days.

I love coming to the beach with Adam and the kids and my second husband, Nick.  Nick was part of the deal when I met Adam and I am glad for it.  The three of us fit well together and we always have a great time together.  I think that is why we have such a great time in Disney (but that is topic for a separate blog).  A picture, not from the beach, but from our wedding of me and both my husbands.

The problem with us is that the beach house gets rented in the summer so we are limited to going to the beach when it is not rented.  That usually means that we are down here in the off-season.  We have been here every month that is not June, July and August.  We do get to come in the summer, but we usually do that as a whole family which is quite a different experience.  But now, its quiet, relaxing and most importantly its a break from the everyday hustle and bustle.

Most people look at me a little strange when I say we are going to the beach for the weekend especially when it is snowing.  Its less about location and more about being able to spending time together and doing things that we wouldn't do at home.  At home, we think about what we should do: laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, straightening up, mowing the lawn (Adam's duty), or whether or not we want to paint the master bedroom (something we are still thinking about).  Here, we can sit, watch a movie and do nothing.

Anna loves to come to the beach because she likes to look at the ocean and there is a park we can walk to when its nice or visit the library. (Anna's first trip to the beach during the off season is the picture to the left) We do it as often as we can, but I like the feeling I get when I know we are coming.  I can leave life at home and just enjoy my family.  Life seems to stay in Pa and I like that, I leave all those worries and fears there and know that I can relax, hang out with some of my favorite people and maybe even have a beer or two.

Phightin' Phils

Today was opening day for baseball season.  The Phillies played the Washington Nationals in DC and won 11-1.  Baseball is one of my favorite sports to watch.  I love all parts of it and I am truly a Philly fan, I love all Philly sports teams, good and bad.  The love of baseball came from my grandfather. One of  his true loves was the Philadelphia Phillies.  He loved to listen to the games and when he could, watch them on TV.  The Phillies finally won a World Series in 2008.  It had been 28 years since they had won the World Series.  It was only a few short months after they won that my grandfather passed away.  I like to think that the Phillies did a little something extra to win so that my grandfather could see a win before he passed.  Many of the happy memories I have of Pop-Pop happened while watching or listening to baseball.  We even celebrated his 80 birthday in the new Phillies' ballpark which we all knew was one of the best days he ever had.

My grandfather was similiar to a baseball game, he was quiet, slow-paced and took life one day at a time just like the baseball season.  I see so many of those characteristics in my Lucas that I hope I can show him the joy of baseball just like Pop-Pop shared with me.  I miss Pop-Pop dearly.  He was a quiet constant in our lives that I know the whole family feels is missing. 

So I may not get to see or hear every Phillie game, I know that Pops is up there watching them play and still cheering them on just like me and just like I hope my kids will do.  Pops and I are hoping for a great season, so Phils don't let us down.

Grace

Most people are born into a religion and spend their entire life in that religion and never truly question it.  I however chose to change my religion.  I didn't go from one extreme to the other, but I do have people who question why I made the choice that I did.  I have two answers for my choice: I finally felt at home and my future children (at the time I made my decision, I did not have any).

As a child, I grew up in a Presbyterian church and attended church with my grandmother weekly, I went to Sunday school, Bible camp, was a member of the choir and also participated in the yearly Christmas pageant.  I loved church and learning about stories from the Bible.  When my parents got divorced, everything changed.  Even though divorce is a common word in our vocabulary, twenty years ago, my parents were some of the first among friends and families to make that decision.  I started to feel less welcome in the church and maybe because I was only 10, it was all in my head, but I really felt out of place.  I eventually stopped going to church.  Through my teenage years, I went to church a few times and read the Bible on my own and even went to a religious retreat in a desperate attempt to find a place where I felt welcome.  It wasn't until I was 18 that I walked into a church and felt like it was home.  My boyfriend at the time (now my husband) took me to church one Saturday night with his family.  We went to a Catholic mass and as I stood in that pew during the unfamiliar rituals, songs, hand shaking and prayers, I heard God's voice.  It was loud and clear like he was standing right next to me.  The words were so simple yet so strong, that I knew I had found what I was looking for after all those years.  While everyone was receiving communion, I heard the two words that I would never forget, "welcome home."

After hearing God's voice, I made every attempt to go to church with Adam.  I wanted to be there, I felt safe, I felt like I belonged, I finally felt like I had come home.  For the next few years I went with Adam as often as I could and then we got engaged.  I felt the closest to God during those months and I knew what I needed to do.  I did everything at church except receive communion and I knew that after we were married, that we would eventually have children and I didn't want them to wonder why mommy was the only one in the family who didn't participate in everything at church.  In the fall of 2003, I signed up for the RCIA classes that met once a week until Easter.  I learned about the Catholic religion and prepared mentally and emotionally for my confirmation into the Catholic church.  Every week, I felt closer to God and knew that this was the right decision for me.  The Saturday before Easter of 2004 was my first official day as a Catholic.  I made my confirmation and heard God's voice once more.  This time it was a little softer, but just as strong. 

Each Easter since then I feel comforted and safe in my choice of becoming a Catholic at the age of 23.  It took a while, but I found the place where I belong.  I was given the opportunity to choose a confirmation name and it was a difficult choice because I did not yet feel a connection to a particular saint, but there was a virtue that I felt connected to.  So it was on that Holy Saturday, six years ago that God called me by that name.  Standing at the alter in my moment of confirmation, I heard his voice.  It was those words that I think of each Easter  that remind me that my choice was right.  Regardless of others' opinions or feelings or questions, I know that it was the best choice for me.  Those simple words: "Welcome Home Grace."

A new month

Do you ever feel like you are in a funk you can't get out of?  For some reason, I just can't shake this funk.  The month of March was a rough month for us and I am so thankful that it is over.  Today was such a beautiful day, I am hoping it is my silver lining.  I need something to shake this feeling. 

I know that the overwhelming feeling is that the days for my job are numbered and I am afraid that I am not going to be able to find something before school starts in September.  I really don't have motivation to go back to work on Monday.  I really just don't feel like my commitment and loyalty was returned by my company.

That's my goal, I want a job that is as respectful, loyal and committed to me as I am to the company. 

Or maybe I need to find me a Daddy Warbucks, I would love to run my own business.  If I could I would bake cakes/pastries and all sorts of yummy stuff all day and I would be so happy.  I just need someone who wants to help me do it.  I love to bake.  I really wish that I could do it all day everyday and make a living.  Here are two examples of cakes that I have created since realizing how much I enjoy it.

That Dory/Marlin cake makes me smile almost enough to snap out of my funk.  Well, at the very least, tomorrow is suppose to be just as beautiful as today, hopefully that will help.  April has to be better, right?