Closing my eyes,
I pretend to feel your arms,
Reaching out to hold me, I sigh,
relaxing in your space.
You hold my hand so tight,
Sending your love into each movement.
Each caress, perfectly soft,
Relaxing inside your space.
I shut my eyes tighter,
Hoping to feel your skin
touching mine, closing the distance,
Relaxing in your space.
Can I dream forever?
So that you are always near.
I can't feel safe unless we are
Relaxing in your space.
Wishing someday comes soon,
So your skin can touch mine,
A real moment to share,
Relaxing in your space.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Maybe Someday
Maybe someday.
I miss you.
I love you.
I miss you.
I love you.
Remember this? Remember that?
Maybe someday, what? Is something going to happen someday? Will you see the truth once and for all? One day, will it smack you on the forehead? Are you going to get your head out of the clouds and think of someone other than yourself for once? In almost 34 years, you were always number one in your world. I was never number one. I don't think I will ever be number one. I may be the first born, but really I should be called, the first annoyance. I was never your child. Just something you had to deal with for 23 years till I walked away.
Having children does change a person, it changed me in a way I never thought possible. They mean everything to me, I would do anything and everything to protect them. You can't say that. You never protected me from anything. You never protected me from anything especially you. But just because I have children does not mean I want you in my life. Nor do I want you in their lives. And no, my children are not available for display or to show off. They are actual people with feelings and thoughts and questions. Lots and lots of questions. They see things, they understand things and no, they do not miss a thing. Don't think for one second that it's all rainbows and butterflies over here. They know who you are, but no, they don't get to know you.
So when you said all of those things and I responded with, "I know." It is the only thing I can say without losing my self-control. It's the only safe thing I can say in front of my children because they don't understand. To be honest, I don't want them to understand the pain and abuse that Mommy had to live through.
So what would I have said if they were not there?
Maybe someday. Maybe someday, you will admit that you were the one who made bad decisions, not me.
I miss you. I miss the fact that I can't have someone in my corner rooting for me, always being my cheerleader.
I love you. I love the idea of you.
I miss you. I miss the fact that my children don't know their grandparents. Every child deserves to know and understand the happiness of having a grandparent.
I love you. And yes, I do love you. But I know if I say it, you will take it as an opening into my life and I have not unlocked the door.
Remember this? I remember being the parent in the house at 12 years old, yeah, I remember that.
Remember that? Remember the lies. Yeah, I remember lying to protect myself.
Maybe someday.
I am just not sure that someday is in your lifetime or even mine. Maybe for someone else, but not me.
I miss you.
I love you.
I miss you.
I love you.
Remember this? Remember that?
Maybe someday, what? Is something going to happen someday? Will you see the truth once and for all? One day, will it smack you on the forehead? Are you going to get your head out of the clouds and think of someone other than yourself for once? In almost 34 years, you were always number one in your world. I was never number one. I don't think I will ever be number one. I may be the first born, but really I should be called, the first annoyance. I was never your child. Just something you had to deal with for 23 years till I walked away.
Having children does change a person, it changed me in a way I never thought possible. They mean everything to me, I would do anything and everything to protect them. You can't say that. You never protected me from anything. You never protected me from anything especially you. But just because I have children does not mean I want you in my life. Nor do I want you in their lives. And no, my children are not available for display or to show off. They are actual people with feelings and thoughts and questions. Lots and lots of questions. They see things, they understand things and no, they do not miss a thing. Don't think for one second that it's all rainbows and butterflies over here. They know who you are, but no, they don't get to know you.
So when you said all of those things and I responded with, "I know." It is the only thing I can say without losing my self-control. It's the only safe thing I can say in front of my children because they don't understand. To be honest, I don't want them to understand the pain and abuse that Mommy had to live through.
So what would I have said if they were not there?
Maybe someday. Maybe someday, you will admit that you were the one who made bad decisions, not me.
I miss you. I miss the fact that I can't have someone in my corner rooting for me, always being my cheerleader.
I love you. I love the idea of you.
I miss you. I miss the fact that my children don't know their grandparents. Every child deserves to know and understand the happiness of having a grandparent.
I love you. And yes, I do love you. But I know if I say it, you will take it as an opening into my life and I have not unlocked the door.
Remember this? I remember being the parent in the house at 12 years old, yeah, I remember that.
Remember that? Remember the lies. Yeah, I remember lying to protect myself.
Maybe someday.
I am just not sure that someday is in your lifetime or even mine. Maybe for someone else, but not me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
