"your"...

Is there one thing in the world that can make you become a kid again?  Is it a word, a smell, a place, a sound, or a certain food?  For me, its a word.  One simple word before another word and my whole world is turned upside down.  Fortunately for most people, that world is in my head and they don't know what happens when they say it.  Its not any every day occurence, but it does happen often enough. 

Many people remember their childhood fondly and have happy memories of people, places and things.  I would never claim that my childhood was completely horrible, but the bad memories trump the happy ones on most days.  Before you think I am asking for pity, know that I am completely at peace with my choice.  I also know that without my childhood, I would not be me today.

As an adult, I made a very difficult choice to leave my parents.  Now that doesn't sound crazy or ridiculous as an adult, but I had to eliminate them from my life completely.  They made decisions that I don't agree with, so I chose to walk away.  This was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done and the scariest.  Would I make it on my own?  Was I making the right choice?  Will my brothers be okay?  Will I regret this one day? Would I someday hope to have them with me again?  Am I crazy?  Is this the right choice?

I know the answers to each of these questions.  I think the hardest part for me is that there are times when I am sad that they are not with me like my wedding day, the day each of my children were born, the day I bought my house or the other day when I lost my job.  The sad part is that what I miss is not my parents, but the parental figure.  I want a parent, but not necessarily mine.  I want what you see in pictures and movies, the loving, caring and comforting parental figure, not the ones that I got.  But do I regret my choice?  Not for a second.  I made the right choice for me and for my family.  I know that I am who I am because of my life, but rather than dwell in the bad choices, I have choosen to live above it for my husband and my children, but most importantly for myself.

So when someone says, "your mom" or "your dad" and the words are directed at me, yes, I may respond with: I don't know or I'm not sure and move on, but there is a hurricane of emotions and thoughts racing through my head and for a moment or two or more, I am ten again and scared.

Precious Life

Today I learned that one of my students was killed last night.  Death always brings people back to how precious life really is, but when the death is a young person, I think that it becomes a scary reality that someone can leave this life in an instant. 

She was a beautiful young girl and I know that she will be deeply missed by her community. I will pray for her family and friends during this difficult time.  I hope that my students lean on each other and honor her by living their life to the fullest.

For everyone, hug everyone you love a little tighter and if you love someone, tell that person.  Do let anything go till tomorrow because tomorrow may never come.  Life is far too short and precious to let love pass you by. 

"Lead her to a place, guide her with your grace, to a place where she'll be safe."-Celine Dion

Hugs and Kisses

I am blessed to have two children: a little girl and a little boy.  Annastasia (aka Peanut) is two and half and Lucas (aka Cookie) just turned one at the beginning of the March.  The smile on their face when I see them makes even the worst day seem so much better.  One of the best days was the first day that Anna told me that she loved me without being prompted.  I always say "good-night, I love you" when I tuck her into bed at night and she always responds, "I love you too, momma." 

One of the most facinating things about someone learning the English language is that they are trying to learn how to use words correctly and are always mixing up their words.  Toddlers are a good example of this.  Anna is always swtiching words around for example, she always says, "hold you," which means 'hold me'.  So the first time that Anna said 'i love you' she actually said "i love you too momma".  The pure happiness in her voice and the smile on her face is the reason I fall in love with her again and again every single day. 

My children are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.  I love them so very much.  No matter what kind of day I am having, the giggles and the love that they have for me reminds me that happiness can be found not in a perfect job, car, house or even money, but it is found in those two little arms that wrap around my neck and the little voice that says, "i love you too momma."

Breathing Underwater

Tuesday was anything but a normal day.  I hadn't slept in days, five days to be exact.  Thursday morning I received an email that I was meeting the HR guy about my job and it would happen on Tuesday at 2pm.  For the next several days, I paced and then eventually had a breakdown and cried.  What could this be about?  Would they really let me go?  Could I be losing my job?  What will I do? Will my family be okay?  Will I make it to Tuesday?

Well, I made it Tuesday, barely, but there I was, working and doing everything I could so that I did not sit at my desk and watch the clock tick the seconds by.  The time arrives and I give myself a pep talk.  I felt like Rodney Dangerfield in Ladybugs  where he says, "My name is Chester.  I am great.  I am wonderful.  Everybody likes me."  I can do this, I can walk into this meeting and walk out okay.  Whatever it is, I will survive.  I am stronger than this and something better is going to happen.

He delivers the news, "due to budget cuts, it has been recommended that your job be eliminated at the end of the school year."  As a teacher, I have read numerous books and at that moment, I knew what Alex Flinn (author of Breathing Underwater) meant when Nick, the main character, says "Ever feel like you're breathing underwater, and you have to stop because you're gulping in too much fluid?"  I felt like the oxygen had been sucked out of the room and I could only swallow fluid.  It took everything in me to hold back my tears and I almost made it through the meeting without crying, but when I thought of my students, I lost it.  I was letting them down.  Who would help them?  How will they become better writers? Will they survive? Will the teachers survive? Will I survive?

I always knew how unique my position really was and when the first talk of budget cuts emerged, I knew I was on the chopping block, but I never thought that the moment my job came to an end that it would feel like an elephant had sat on my chest and I would struggle to breath, much like I was underwater. 

A few days later, I can laugh and smile, but that elephant is still on my chest.  I question my worth, my goals in life, and what will happen to my family.  I know think that the fact that this meeting happened on my half-birthday is no coincidence.  I have six months until I turn thirty and I am determined.  I am going to find who I am, maybe discover a calling and hopefully send that elephant back to the grasslands.