The stars alone-originally written 7/18/00

A thought like a whisper,
Softly in the dark night.
Only for a small moment,
I feel you deep inside.

The moon watches the stars,
Angels watch you and me,
For times we are apart;
When I watch the stars alone.

Inside my heart, I can feel
the angels kiss you to sleep
For I am unable
When I watch the stars alone.

I wish for being close,
Your breath to be a whisper,
If only for a moment,
I can feel you deep inside.

Regret, I think

Standing by your side,

Supporting your choice.

My dear friend, you will always be,

No matter what.

Outside static fill our ears, 

Fear and dread of the truth.

Bonding with cheap vinyl chairs.

My dear friend, you will always be,

No matter what.

Your choice, not mine.

My tears, not yours.

You have a lack of concern

I have a fear of the future.

A moment of life and death,

Always standing by your side,

My dear friend, you will always be,

No matter what.

A secret I promised to keep,

Guilt shared through the curtain.

A pray, a smile, a tear, a hug.

Good Friday, bad Friday.

Here I stay, right here.

Your side, your choice.

My hand, my tears.

My dear friend, you will always be,

No matter what.

Marshes-found poetry

Perched observing Angels,

Generous, good karma. 

Love. Honor. 

Soundless generation-

beautiful, wonderful ones. 

Friendships, relationships

Crowded informality. 

Accidental open space:

absolutely true. 

Friends move on with love for years to come. 

Widow-found poetry.

The widow stage.

One artist got her wish. 

Honor, loved, together. 

Reunited.

The world stops

Simon and Garfunkel's "the sound of silence"

Breezy sound

Broad grin: a gift

Distinguished whistling.

Hushed.

Tears from his widow. 

The night

That view!

Simon smiled. 

Crumble

Struggling alone. 

Keeping it all inside,  

Hidden behind a smile. 

You think you know,

But it's all a mystery. 

Without looking inside,

You'll never truly believe. 

The pain is real,

The fear is real,

The sad truth revealed,

A moment as me:

Jagged pieces of you. 

Birthday

Today is one of the two most difficult days for me. Regardless of what we do to celebrate the day, it is always twinged with sadness and guilt. I wish I could be in a different place with her, but I can't do it. I know that today is not only my birthday, but also the day she became a mom.

I think about the day I became mom and it fills me with joy because my daughter brings me joy. I hope that one day she knows  the joy she brings to my life. It was something I never felt. I was never the joy in her life and it hurts. I know that I wouldn't be here without her. And I wouldn't be able to celebrate my life without her. But I do. Every year without her is hard and disappointing. Just not as  disappointing when she was there. It's hard to describe, but today and Mother's Day are two days I would gladly skip, but I know that's selfish because these two days are extremely important to my kids, the two sources of joy in my life. So no matter how much it sucks for me, I know it's important for them. Happy 34th to me!

Hard

Is it hard to hold on?
Is it hard to lie?
Or is it harder to keep track of the lies?
Is it hard to not be able to say good-bye?
Is it hard to not see the pain or sadness?  

Can you pretend the past is fictional? How do you do it?  Sure, I can have a moment or two or even ten when I am not thinking about my past.  But it is always there.  I can't change what happened, but I can change how it impacts my future.  The words you shared may have been blurred with your version of the story, but they were the true colors of my life.  No matter what, I now know the truth.  The truth you have covered in lies.  You may not remember all the lies you told, however, I can see through them.  I can't look through the blinders anymore.  I am not going to hide behind my beliefs and my truth.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't have let go, but I did.  I finally stopped believing the lies and focused on the truth.  The hard part wasn't saying good-bye, it was actually meaning it.  It is hard to see the pain and sadness, but it is even harder to heal.  Everyday I do everything I can to not forget the lies, but to learn from the truth and heal.  I am not sure I will every be truly healed, but I am closer than I was the day before.