Sand and Snow

Everytime we decide to go away for the weekend, we usually end up in New Jersey.  Adam's parents own a place and we try to take advantage of it when we can.  Due to Adam's schedule, he usually doesn't have off on weekends so when they happen, we try to plan something worth while for the few days.

I love coming to the beach with Adam and the kids and my second husband, Nick.  Nick was part of the deal when I met Adam and I am glad for it.  The three of us fit well together and we always have a great time together.  I think that is why we have such a great time in Disney (but that is topic for a separate blog).  A picture, not from the beach, but from our wedding of me and both my husbands.

The problem with us is that the beach house gets rented in the summer so we are limited to going to the beach when it is not rented.  That usually means that we are down here in the off-season.  We have been here every month that is not June, July and August.  We do get to come in the summer, but we usually do that as a whole family which is quite a different experience.  But now, its quiet, relaxing and most importantly its a break from the everyday hustle and bustle.

Most people look at me a little strange when I say we are going to the beach for the weekend especially when it is snowing.  Its less about location and more about being able to spending time together and doing things that we wouldn't do at home.  At home, we think about what we should do: laundry, cleaning the bathrooms, straightening up, mowing the lawn (Adam's duty), or whether or not we want to paint the master bedroom (something we are still thinking about).  Here, we can sit, watch a movie and do nothing.

Anna loves to come to the beach because she likes to look at the ocean and there is a park we can walk to when its nice or visit the library. (Anna's first trip to the beach during the off season is the picture to the left) We do it as often as we can, but I like the feeling I get when I know we are coming.  I can leave life at home and just enjoy my family.  Life seems to stay in Pa and I like that, I leave all those worries and fears there and know that I can relax, hang out with some of my favorite people and maybe even have a beer or two.

Phightin' Phils

Today was opening day for baseball season.  The Phillies played the Washington Nationals in DC and won 11-1.  Baseball is one of my favorite sports to watch.  I love all parts of it and I am truly a Philly fan, I love all Philly sports teams, good and bad.  The love of baseball came from my grandfather. One of  his true loves was the Philadelphia Phillies.  He loved to listen to the games and when he could, watch them on TV.  The Phillies finally won a World Series in 2008.  It had been 28 years since they had won the World Series.  It was only a few short months after they won that my grandfather passed away.  I like to think that the Phillies did a little something extra to win so that my grandfather could see a win before he passed.  Many of the happy memories I have of Pop-Pop happened while watching or listening to baseball.  We even celebrated his 80 birthday in the new Phillies' ballpark which we all knew was one of the best days he ever had.

My grandfather was similiar to a baseball game, he was quiet, slow-paced and took life one day at a time just like the baseball season.  I see so many of those characteristics in my Lucas that I hope I can show him the joy of baseball just like Pop-Pop shared with me.  I miss Pop-Pop dearly.  He was a quiet constant in our lives that I know the whole family feels is missing. 

So I may not get to see or hear every Phillie game, I know that Pops is up there watching them play and still cheering them on just like me and just like I hope my kids will do.  Pops and I are hoping for a great season, so Phils don't let us down.

Grace

Most people are born into a religion and spend their entire life in that religion and never truly question it.  I however chose to change my religion.  I didn't go from one extreme to the other, but I do have people who question why I made the choice that I did.  I have two answers for my choice: I finally felt at home and my future children (at the time I made my decision, I did not have any).

As a child, I grew up in a Presbyterian church and attended church with my grandmother weekly, I went to Sunday school, Bible camp, was a member of the choir and also participated in the yearly Christmas pageant.  I loved church and learning about stories from the Bible.  When my parents got divorced, everything changed.  Even though divorce is a common word in our vocabulary, twenty years ago, my parents were some of the first among friends and families to make that decision.  I started to feel less welcome in the church and maybe because I was only 10, it was all in my head, but I really felt out of place.  I eventually stopped going to church.  Through my teenage years, I went to church a few times and read the Bible on my own and even went to a religious retreat in a desperate attempt to find a place where I felt welcome.  It wasn't until I was 18 that I walked into a church and felt like it was home.  My boyfriend at the time (now my husband) took me to church one Saturday night with his family.  We went to a Catholic mass and as I stood in that pew during the unfamiliar rituals, songs, hand shaking and prayers, I heard God's voice.  It was loud and clear like he was standing right next to me.  The words were so simple yet so strong, that I knew I had found what I was looking for after all those years.  While everyone was receiving communion, I heard the two words that I would never forget, "welcome home."

After hearing God's voice, I made every attempt to go to church with Adam.  I wanted to be there, I felt safe, I felt like I belonged, I finally felt like I had come home.  For the next few years I went with Adam as often as I could and then we got engaged.  I felt the closest to God during those months and I knew what I needed to do.  I did everything at church except receive communion and I knew that after we were married, that we would eventually have children and I didn't want them to wonder why mommy was the only one in the family who didn't participate in everything at church.  In the fall of 2003, I signed up for the RCIA classes that met once a week until Easter.  I learned about the Catholic religion and prepared mentally and emotionally for my confirmation into the Catholic church.  Every week, I felt closer to God and knew that this was the right decision for me.  The Saturday before Easter of 2004 was my first official day as a Catholic.  I made my confirmation and heard God's voice once more.  This time it was a little softer, but just as strong. 

Each Easter since then I feel comforted and safe in my choice of becoming a Catholic at the age of 23.  It took a while, but I found the place where I belong.  I was given the opportunity to choose a confirmation name and it was a difficult choice because I did not yet feel a connection to a particular saint, but there was a virtue that I felt connected to.  So it was on that Holy Saturday, six years ago that God called me by that name.  Standing at the alter in my moment of confirmation, I heard his voice.  It was those words that I think of each Easter  that remind me that my choice was right.  Regardless of others' opinions or feelings or questions, I know that it was the best choice for me.  Those simple words: "Welcome Home Grace."

"your"...

Is there one thing in the world that can make you become a kid again?  Is it a word, a smell, a place, a sound, or a certain food?  For me, its a word.  One simple word before another word and my whole world is turned upside down.  Fortunately for most people, that world is in my head and they don't know what happens when they say it.  Its not any every day occurence, but it does happen often enough. 

Many people remember their childhood fondly and have happy memories of people, places and things.  I would never claim that my childhood was completely horrible, but the bad memories trump the happy ones on most days.  Before you think I am asking for pity, know that I am completely at peace with my choice.  I also know that without my childhood, I would not be me today.

As an adult, I made a very difficult choice to leave my parents.  Now that doesn't sound crazy or ridiculous as an adult, but I had to eliminate them from my life completely.  They made decisions that I don't agree with, so I chose to walk away.  This was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done and the scariest.  Would I make it on my own?  Was I making the right choice?  Will my brothers be okay?  Will I regret this one day? Would I someday hope to have them with me again?  Am I crazy?  Is this the right choice?

I know the answers to each of these questions.  I think the hardest part for me is that there are times when I am sad that they are not with me like my wedding day, the day each of my children were born, the day I bought my house or the other day when I lost my job.  The sad part is that what I miss is not my parents, but the parental figure.  I want a parent, but not necessarily mine.  I want what you see in pictures and movies, the loving, caring and comforting parental figure, not the ones that I got.  But do I regret my choice?  Not for a second.  I made the right choice for me and for my family.  I know that I am who I am because of my life, but rather than dwell in the bad choices, I have choosen to live above it for my husband and my children, but most importantly for myself.

So when someone says, "your mom" or "your dad" and the words are directed at me, yes, I may respond with: I don't know or I'm not sure and move on, but there is a hurricane of emotions and thoughts racing through my head and for a moment or two or more, I am ten again and scared.

Breathing Underwater

Tuesday was anything but a normal day.  I hadn't slept in days, five days to be exact.  Thursday morning I received an email that I was meeting the HR guy about my job and it would happen on Tuesday at 2pm.  For the next several days, I paced and then eventually had a breakdown and cried.  What could this be about?  Would they really let me go?  Could I be losing my job?  What will I do? Will my family be okay?  Will I make it to Tuesday?

Well, I made it Tuesday, barely, but there I was, working and doing everything I could so that I did not sit at my desk and watch the clock tick the seconds by.  The time arrives and I give myself a pep talk.  I felt like Rodney Dangerfield in Ladybugs  where he says, "My name is Chester.  I am great.  I am wonderful.  Everybody likes me."  I can do this, I can walk into this meeting and walk out okay.  Whatever it is, I will survive.  I am stronger than this and something better is going to happen.

He delivers the news, "due to budget cuts, it has been recommended that your job be eliminated at the end of the school year."  As a teacher, I have read numerous books and at that moment, I knew what Alex Flinn (author of Breathing Underwater) meant when Nick, the main character, says "Ever feel like you're breathing underwater, and you have to stop because you're gulping in too much fluid?"  I felt like the oxygen had been sucked out of the room and I could only swallow fluid.  It took everything in me to hold back my tears and I almost made it through the meeting without crying, but when I thought of my students, I lost it.  I was letting them down.  Who would help them?  How will they become better writers? Will they survive? Will the teachers survive? Will I survive?

I always knew how unique my position really was and when the first talk of budget cuts emerged, I knew I was on the chopping block, but I never thought that the moment my job came to an end that it would feel like an elephant had sat on my chest and I would struggle to breath, much like I was underwater. 

A few days later, I can laugh and smile, but that elephant is still on my chest.  I question my worth, my goals in life, and what will happen to my family.  I know think that the fact that this meeting happened on my half-birthday is no coincidence.  I have six months until I turn thirty and I am determined.  I am going to find who I am, maybe discover a calling and hopefully send that elephant back to the grasslands.