"your"...

Is there one thing in the world that can make you become a kid again?  Is it a word, a smell, a place, a sound, or a certain food?  For me, its a word.  One simple word before another word and my whole world is turned upside down.  Fortunately for most people, that world is in my head and they don't know what happens when they say it.  Its not any every day occurence, but it does happen often enough. 

Many people remember their childhood fondly and have happy memories of people, places and things.  I would never claim that my childhood was completely horrible, but the bad memories trump the happy ones on most days.  Before you think I am asking for pity, know that I am completely at peace with my choice.  I also know that without my childhood, I would not be me today.

As an adult, I made a very difficult choice to leave my parents.  Now that doesn't sound crazy or ridiculous as an adult, but I had to eliminate them from my life completely.  They made decisions that I don't agree with, so I chose to walk away.  This was by far the most difficult thing I have ever done and the scariest.  Would I make it on my own?  Was I making the right choice?  Will my brothers be okay?  Will I regret this one day? Would I someday hope to have them with me again?  Am I crazy?  Is this the right choice?

I know the answers to each of these questions.  I think the hardest part for me is that there are times when I am sad that they are not with me like my wedding day, the day each of my children were born, the day I bought my house or the other day when I lost my job.  The sad part is that what I miss is not my parents, but the parental figure.  I want a parent, but not necessarily mine.  I want what you see in pictures and movies, the loving, caring and comforting parental figure, not the ones that I got.  But do I regret my choice?  Not for a second.  I made the right choice for me and for my family.  I know that I am who I am because of my life, but rather than dwell in the bad choices, I have choosen to live above it for my husband and my children, but most importantly for myself.

So when someone says, "your mom" or "your dad" and the words are directed at me, yes, I may respond with: I don't know or I'm not sure and move on, but there is a hurricane of emotions and thoughts racing through my head and for a moment or two or more, I am ten again and scared.