Apology-found poetry

An apology

Never any sorrow, never any pain. 

Betraying and guilt: struggling. 

Mother; Father - disappointed. 

Apologizing to them

Take away. 

Sorry for the trouble.

Ruined things - wishes. 

All be washed away

Until forgiven and love again?

Tried to make better,

To make beautiful things. 

Challenge the impression

Scripted the joy: pure happiness,

The hope of something better

Our turn to apologize,

Good-bye to the best of us. 

Pure and perfect

Sweet face,

Tiny nose and little ears. 

Wisps of hair-

bright color bows. 

Laughter and joy-

Pure joy. 

You smile, I smile. 

Hold on tight

Tiny fingers round my finger. 

Don't let go

Please don't go

Stay with me. 

Laugh with me. 

Smile a toothless grin. 

Hug and a kiss. 

Laughter and joy. 

Pure and perfect joy. 

Sometimes it sucks

I hate that I can't be a part of things because of you. Making my decision to walk away from you, I knew it would alienate more than just you. Most times I can ignore it, but to see your happy smiling face made me so angry. I hate that I can't be there for the good times and the bad times with my family. I know that if I was there, it would not have been confortable to be near you. I know that I can not force other people to make the same decision as me, but it still hurts. It hurts to know that she got everyone and I got no one. While this hurts and I wish I could have been there to raise a toast to my cousin, it's not as bad as the sad times. I want to be there for all of it. Sure, everyone wants to do the fun stuff, but the sad stuff is when we need each other the most. Not attending my grandfather's funeral because I was afraid of you probably would have made him sad too. I was forced to grieve alone. I didn't have a shoulder to cry on while you embraced the family for love and support. So here I sit, alone, raising my glass to my beautiful cousin. I know this was my choice, but sometimes it sucks. Today it sucks. 

Peanut's joy and happiness

She loves to sing and dance.  She has found a home and it makes my heart sing and dance, just not in front of her friends.  She has always loved to sing and dance.  Randomly we found a choir for her to join.  They sing, they dance and perform everywhere.  She gets to stand on stage with all her new friends and be in her glory.  They are her extended family and the love is mutual.

Last night was performance number two of four for the current show.  She will be as exhausted as she can be, but will smile and laugh and pour her little heart into her performance.  She is currently a member of the junior choir, but I am so excited to see what she has in store for her future.  I know she will be the lead in no time.  But until then, I will watch her grow and help her star grow brighter with each show.  So for now, here is a picture from her first time on stage.

 Big things are in store for that smile and that bow. :-)

Answer the Phone- originally 3/12/98

Unknown faces,

Wanting to know more. 

Smiling feverishly

Letting it come to fact

That the beginning

Is not far from here. 

Why did you come?

Where are the familiar sights?

Did they leave you here?

Why were you left alone?

Someone needs to help;

Show you the door. 

Make the road easier 

To follow the light. 

It seems to be near

Not a bright sparkle

Just a small twinkle. 

Hidden by tree tops 

You can almost touch it. 

Something pulls you back

Surrounds your body

And you can't move or breathe. 

Kicking and silent scream you release. 

They now cover you in dirt. 

Then the reality of death

Comes clear and understood. 

The light was a calling,

But you couldn't answer the phone. 

Here I stand

I knew for a long time that if I were to write a book or to start a blog what I would call it.  It was an easy way to explain my life.  I feel that my life has been filled with promises that were broken by everyone I know and love.  It turns out, that the poem I posted this morning is where I thought of broken promises.  Based off of the date that I wrote on the original, I can guess who it was actually about, but I am not 100% sure. Even though I have grown more than I can ever imagine with my life, I know that I am stronger for the heartache in my life and through those broken promises came unspoken dreams. But I am done keeping secrets, I am going to share them with anyone who will listen. Welcome to the inside of my head, I sincerely apologize for it.  Or maybe I don't.

Broken and Forgotten-originally written 10/13/97

Confusion set in,
Everything blurred.
I can't decide,
Love or hate?
My heart is crying,
The tears roll down my face,
You left me here alone.
Without an answer -
-just questions; unsure.
Is this over,
Or will we meet again?
Will you keep them,
the promises you made?
Should I add them
to my collection?
The countless promises,
Broken and forgotten.

Wrong Words-originally written 1996

The wrong words,
Spoken with your voice.
My heart is broken,
Since it was twisted with fate.
You said you care, but lied about it all.
You wanted to hurt me, didn't you?
You laughed at my soul.
While I cried
You smiled when the truth came out.
My face swollen
When the words slapped me hard.
As you turned to walk away,
You released your fist
As a million pieces fell.
My heart was crushed and twisted,
Inside the palm of your hand.
The last beat pulsed
Between your fingers
As my life and soul
Died with wrong words.

My heart-originally written 8/8/00

Sitting in a quiet room,
I can hear my own hear.
It beats like a soft whisper
Hoping for it's love to return.

The room is quiet all alone,
Without your heart in sync,
My heart longs for yours.
My soul longs for yours.

The bond unbreakable,
Only strength is shown,
As it stretched far and wide,
Hoping to return to its side.

My heart listens and waits
To hear the soft response
Your heart and soul returning
To our soft whispers.

The stars alone-originally written 7/18/00

A thought like a whisper,
Softly in the dark night.
Only for a small moment,
I feel you deep inside.

The moon watches the stars,
Angels watch you and me,
For times we are apart;
When I watch the stars alone.

Inside my heart, I can feel
the angels kiss you to sleep
For I am unable
When I watch the stars alone.

I wish for being close,
Your breath to be a whisper,
If only for a moment,
I can feel you deep inside.

Regret, I think

Standing by your side,

Supporting your choice.

My dear friend, you will always be,

No matter what.

Outside static fill our ears, 

Fear and dread of the truth.

Bonding with cheap vinyl chairs.

My dear friend, you will always be,

No matter what.

Your choice, not mine.

My tears, not yours.

You have a lack of concern

I have a fear of the future.

A moment of life and death,

Always standing by your side,

My dear friend, you will always be,

No matter what.

A secret I promised to keep,

Guilt shared through the curtain.

A pray, a smile, a tear, a hug.

Good Friday, bad Friday.

Here I stay, right here.

Your side, your choice.

My hand, my tears.

My dear friend, you will always be,

No matter what.

Marshes-found poetry

Perched observing Angels,

Generous, good karma. 

Love. Honor. 

Soundless generation-

beautiful, wonderful ones. 

Friendships, relationships

Crowded informality. 

Accidental open space:

absolutely true. 

Friends move on with love for years to come. 

Widow-found poetry.

The widow stage.

One artist got her wish. 

Honor, loved, together. 

Reunited.

The world stops

Simon and Garfunkel's "the sound of silence"

Breezy sound

Broad grin: a gift

Distinguished whistling.

Hushed.

Tears from his widow. 

The night

That view!

Simon smiled. 

Crumble

Struggling alone. 

Keeping it all inside,  

Hidden behind a smile. 

You think you know,

But it's all a mystery. 

Without looking inside,

You'll never truly believe. 

The pain is real,

The fear is real,

The sad truth revealed,

A moment as me:

Jagged pieces of you. 

Birthday

Today is one of the two most difficult days for me. Regardless of what we do to celebrate the day, it is always twinged with sadness and guilt. I wish I could be in a different place with her, but I can't do it. I know that today is not only my birthday, but also the day she became a mom.

I think about the day I became mom and it fills me with joy because my daughter brings me joy. I hope that one day she knows  the joy she brings to my life. It was something I never felt. I was never the joy in her life and it hurts. I know that I wouldn't be here without her. And I wouldn't be able to celebrate my life without her. But I do. Every year without her is hard and disappointing. Just not as  disappointing when she was there. It's hard to describe, but today and Mother's Day are two days I would gladly skip, but I know that's selfish because these two days are extremely important to my kids, the two sources of joy in my life. So no matter how much it sucks for me, I know it's important for them. Happy 34th to me!

Hard

Is it hard to hold on?
Is it hard to lie?
Or is it harder to keep track of the lies?
Is it hard to not be able to say good-bye?
Is it hard to not see the pain or sadness?  

Can you pretend the past is fictional? How do you do it?  Sure, I can have a moment or two or even ten when I am not thinking about my past.  But it is always there.  I can't change what happened, but I can change how it impacts my future.  The words you shared may have been blurred with your version of the story, but they were the true colors of my life.  No matter what, I now know the truth.  The truth you have covered in lies.  You may not remember all the lies you told, however, I can see through them.  I can't look through the blinders anymore.  I am not going to hide behind my beliefs and my truth.
Sometimes I think I shouldn't have let go, but I did.  I finally stopped believing the lies and focused on the truth.  The hard part wasn't saying good-bye, it was actually meaning it.  It is hard to see the pain and sadness, but it is even harder to heal.  Everyday I do everything I can to not forget the lies, but to learn from the truth and heal.  I am not sure I will every be truly healed, but I am closer than I was the day before.

In Your Space (originally written 9/9/01)

Closing my eyes,
I pretend to feel your arms,
Reaching out to hold me, I sigh,
relaxing in your space.

You hold my hand so tight,
Sending your love into each movement.
Each caress, perfectly soft,
Relaxing inside your space.


I shut my eyes tighter,
Hoping to feel your skin
touching mine, closing the distance,
Relaxing in your space.

Can I dream forever?
So that you are always near.
I can't feel safe unless we are
Relaxing in your space.

Wishing someday comes soon,
So your skin can touch mine,
A real moment to share,
Relaxing in your space.

Maybe Someday

Maybe someday.
I miss you.
I love you.
I miss you.
I love you.
Remember this?  Remember that?

Maybe someday, what?  Is something going to happen someday?  Will you see the truth once and for all?  One day, will it smack you on the forehead?  Are you going to get your head out of the clouds and think of someone other than yourself for once?  In almost 34 years, you were always number one in your world.  I was never number one.  I don't think I will ever be number one.  I may be the first born, but really I should be called, the first annoyance.  I was never your child.  Just something you had to deal with for 23 years till I walked away. 

Having children does change a person, it changed me in a way I never thought possible.  They mean everything to me, I would do anything and everything to protect them.  You can't say that.  You never protected me from anything.  You never protected me from anything especially you.  But just because I have children does not mean I want you in my life.  Nor do I want you in their lives.  And no, my children are not available for display or to show off.  They are actual people with feelings and thoughts and questions.  Lots and lots of questions.  They see things, they understand things and no, they do not miss a thing.  Don't think for one second that it's all rainbows and butterflies over here.  They know who you are, but no, they don't get to know you.

So when you said all of those things and I responded with, "I know."  It is the only thing I can say without losing my self-control.  It's the only safe thing I can say in front of my children because they don't understand. To be honest, I don't want them to understand the pain and abuse that Mommy had to live through. 

So what would I have said if they were not there? 

Maybe someday.  Maybe someday, you will admit that you were the one who made bad decisions, not me.

I miss you.  I miss the fact that I can't have someone in my corner rooting for me, always being my cheerleader.

I love you.   I love the idea of you. 

I miss you.  I miss the fact that my children don't know their grandparents.  Every child deserves to know and understand the happiness of having a grandparent.

I love you.   And yes, I do love you.  But I know if I say it, you will take it as an opening into my life and I have not unlocked the door.

Remember this?  I remember being the parent in the house at 12 years old, yeah, I remember that.

Remember that?  Remember the lies.  Yeah, I remember lying to protect myself.  


Maybe someday.

I am just not sure that someday is in your lifetime or even mine.  Maybe for someone else, but not me.

Whisper Close

Hold me close.
Hold me dear.
Whisper into my ear the words, I want to hear.
Hold me close.

I feel alone.
I feel sad.
Even with your sleeping soul, next to my heart.
I feel alone.

Reach out to me.
Reach out to the stars.
Show me the love lost in the sky.
Reach out to me.

Hold me close.
Hold me dear.
Look into my eyes, see my soul.
Hold me close.

I feel alone.
I feel sad.
But hold me close and whisper the words.
Reach out to me.

All Fades (originally written 1/29/01)

All Fades

Standing alone in my room,
Your face smiling at me.
For a moment all is complete,
Then with a touch, all fades.

I try to smile back,
Your eyes hold so much promise.
I will I could show you,
But your stare goes blank, all fades.

Wanting to hold your hand,
I reach out, but too far away.
Your smile never falters,
It stays unchanged as all fades.

I get closer and closer,
Hoping to feel your breath.
I reach out to hold you,
You stand still as all fades.

I can see my reflection,
Inside the glass.
It's your picture,
My smile slides away, all fades.