Birthday

Today is one of the two most difficult days for me. Regardless of what we do to celebrate the day, it is always twinged with sadness and guilt. I wish I could be in a different place with her, but I can't do it. I know that today is not only my birthday, but also the day she became a mom.

I think about the day I became mom and it fills me with joy because my daughter brings me joy. I hope that one day she knows  the joy she brings to my life. It was something I never felt. I was never the joy in her life and it hurts. I know that I wouldn't be here without her. And I wouldn't be able to celebrate my life without her. But I do. Every year without her is hard and disappointing. Just not as  disappointing when she was there. It's hard to describe, but today and Mother's Day are two days I would gladly skip, but I know that's selfish because these two days are extremely important to my kids, the two sources of joy in my life. So no matter how much it sucks for me, I know it's important for them. Happy 34th to me!