Tears of Sadness

I didn’t post yesterday. Even though I am a mom to two wonderful children, Mother’s Day is one of the hardest days for me. I was apparently never the good kid in my mom’s eyes. When I was in 3rd grade, we were making gifts for Mother’s Day and there was a girl who did not have a mom anymore (I am not sure of the reason why), so she was making a gift for her grandmother. I tried to be a good friend, so I decided that I didn’t want her to be alone, so I made one for my grandmother. However, when the day came, I had bought a gift with my dad for my mom and then we went to visit my grandparents and gave my gift to my grandmother. My mother was visibly upset about my gesture. I remember that was the first time I felt guilt about doing something nice for someone else.

I know now that my mom could not accept the fact that I tried to make a friend feel better, she could only focus on that I did not make something for her. My mom never could accept when I would do something nice if it wasn’t for her. I realize now how that affected me as an adult. It is my personality to want to help and now when I do try to help someone out, I wonder if it is making someone sad that I did help out.

The most life changing Mother’s Day for me was when she told me that she had breast cancer. I remember being so sad and devastated. She was young, only 42 and my youngest brother was 6. That Mother’s Day was sad, she cried when we went out to eat and we all worried about whether or not she would be with us for the next Mother’s Day. It was the beginning of a long and grueling summer. I spent most of that summer taking care of her and the family. I drove her to many of her chemo sessions and made sure that my brothers were taken care of each day. She successfully beat cancer and 12 years later, is still cancer free. It was this year that I remember everything changed. She became a different person and I was able to see all the deceit that was in her life that had filtered into mine. It was only six years after that Mother’s Day that I finally walked out.

Life crumbled around my mom.   She lost touch with reality and I refused to be a part of her world.  The same year that I walked away, I discovered a lump in my breast that had to be removed.  I am incredibly fortunate that it came back benign, but it was a scary experience.  I remember that on the next Mother's Day, I cried that I went through that without my mom by my side. It still amazes me that she didn't grow from her experience and become a better person and make something of her tragedy.

The last Mother's Day that I cried before today was the one right before Anna was born.  The Thursday before that day, I was placed on bedrest for the duration of my pregnancy and I was scared.  I wanted my baby to be okay, and I wanted my mom to be there for me and my fears.  But I made the choice to not have her in my life.

I can honestly say that I do miss my mom and this day makes me sad, but I know why I did what I did.  She recently sent me a letter and it took me a few months, but I finally responded, I was not comfortable about posting the whole thing, but I will post the last paragraph.  The pain is deep and it is still a very real emotion for me.  But it is a day like this, its raw.
For me and my family, I will not let my children be harmed by your choices, I will not let them feel the pain and disappointment that I have felt for a very long time. I am glad to hear that you are working on making your life better, congratulations. Unfortunately, eleven months of a program will not erase the pain and hurt you have caused me. I hope that you continue on your road to recovery and make something of yourself, but for me, I cannot be a part of your life. Sure, that may change in the future, but for now, I know that I am not ready. Please know that I am not angry and that I have forgiven you, but I will never forget. Please respect my decision and know that if and when I am ready, I will let you know.