In Your Space (originally written 9/9/01)

Closing my eyes,
I pretend to feel your arms,
Reaching out to hold me, I sigh,
relaxing in your space.

You hold my hand so tight,
Sending your love into each movement.
Each caress, perfectly soft,
Relaxing inside your space.


I shut my eyes tighter,
Hoping to feel your skin
touching mine, closing the distance,
Relaxing in your space.

Can I dream forever?
So that you are always near.
I can't feel safe unless we are
Relaxing in your space.

Wishing someday comes soon,
So your skin can touch mine,
A real moment to share,
Relaxing in your space.

Maybe Someday

Maybe someday.
I miss you.
I love you.
I miss you.
I love you.
Remember this?  Remember that?

Maybe someday, what?  Is something going to happen someday?  Will you see the truth once and for all?  One day, will it smack you on the forehead?  Are you going to get your head out of the clouds and think of someone other than yourself for once?  In almost 34 years, you were always number one in your world.  I was never number one.  I don't think I will ever be number one.  I may be the first born, but really I should be called, the first annoyance.  I was never your child.  Just something you had to deal with for 23 years till I walked away. 

Having children does change a person, it changed me in a way I never thought possible.  They mean everything to me, I would do anything and everything to protect them.  You can't say that.  You never protected me from anything.  You never protected me from anything especially you.  But just because I have children does not mean I want you in my life.  Nor do I want you in their lives.  And no, my children are not available for display or to show off.  They are actual people with feelings and thoughts and questions.  Lots and lots of questions.  They see things, they understand things and no, they do not miss a thing.  Don't think for one second that it's all rainbows and butterflies over here.  They know who you are, but no, they don't get to know you.

So when you said all of those things and I responded with, "I know."  It is the only thing I can say without losing my self-control.  It's the only safe thing I can say in front of my children because they don't understand. To be honest, I don't want them to understand the pain and abuse that Mommy had to live through. 

So what would I have said if they were not there? 

Maybe someday.  Maybe someday, you will admit that you were the one who made bad decisions, not me.

I miss you.  I miss the fact that I can't have someone in my corner rooting for me, always being my cheerleader.

I love you.   I love the idea of you. 

I miss you.  I miss the fact that my children don't know their grandparents.  Every child deserves to know and understand the happiness of having a grandparent.

I love you.   And yes, I do love you.  But I know if I say it, you will take it as an opening into my life and I have not unlocked the door.

Remember this?  I remember being the parent in the house at 12 years old, yeah, I remember that.

Remember that?  Remember the lies.  Yeah, I remember lying to protect myself.  


Maybe someday.

I am just not sure that someday is in your lifetime or even mine.  Maybe for someone else, but not me.

Whisper Close

Hold me close.
Hold me dear.
Whisper into my ear the words, I want to hear.
Hold me close.

I feel alone.
I feel sad.
Even with your sleeping soul, next to my heart.
I feel alone.

Reach out to me.
Reach out to the stars.
Show me the love lost in the sky.
Reach out to me.

Hold me close.
Hold me dear.
Look into my eyes, see my soul.
Hold me close.

I feel alone.
I feel sad.
But hold me close and whisper the words.
Reach out to me.

All Fades (originally written 1/29/01)

All Fades

Standing alone in my room,
Your face smiling at me.
For a moment all is complete,
Then with a touch, all fades.

I try to smile back,
Your eyes hold so much promise.
I will I could show you,
But your stare goes blank, all fades.

Wanting to hold your hand,
I reach out, but too far away.
Your smile never falters,
It stays unchanged as all fades.

I get closer and closer,
Hoping to feel your breath.
I reach out to hold you,
You stand still as all fades.

I can see my reflection,
Inside the glass.
It's your picture,
My smile slides away, all fades.

She finally asked the question I hoped to avoid forever...

So we were in the car and Peanut finally asked about my mom.  She wanted to know what her name was.  For the last several years, I have always asked her the question back.  She would say, "Mommy, who is your mommy?" and I would say, "Who do you think is my mommy?"  She would usually reply with Nana (my wonderful aunt) and I would tell her that it was a really good guess so I didn't have to lie.  But something felt different about it this time.  Maybe its because she is finally six or because I thought she could handle more information.  So when she asked I told her the truth.  She said that she thought Nana was my mommy.  I told her that was a great guess and that my mommy and daddy were not always able to take care of me so I lived with Nana and Pappy for a while so its like they are mom and dad.  All of that was the truth in its most simplest terms.  I don't think she is ready to know every terrible detail, I'm not sure that she needs every awful moment in my life to fill her brain with devastating images, but I do want her to know the truth.  I also want her to know why I did what I did, I wanted to protect her and her brother.  I decided that I will answer any question she has with the truth in a way that she can understand, but I will not give more information that she needs until she asks.  So for now, she knows both my mom and dad's names and how my brothers (the one she knows and the one she has never met) are connected and how my step-father and step-sister fit into all of this.  It is a tangled web over here, but in the center is my desire to protect my children as best I can from the harm that the world can bring while showing them the beauty that is our world.

don't you

Waiting for a moment,
Holding onto to the last thread.
I want to scream your name
so you can hear my fear,
but the silence is deafening.
I stand here alone
You having moved on without me.
Don't you feel sad?
Don't you worry about me?
Don't you wonder if I am okay?
No matter what I say, I think of you.
think of you everyday.
Your voice stuck in my head.
thoughts of sadness and grief.
will it ever be better?
will it ever be the same?
each day passes and the same drifts --
drifts farther and farther away.
From you,
From me,
From us.
I can't be the same, but you.
You.
But you, will always be the same.

13 years and 1000 movies later

Today is the anniversary of our first date.  For those who don't know, we met while working at the movies and surprisingly enough, our first date was a movie.  I remember everything about that first date.  I remember what he was wearing, I remember what I was wearing, I remember our good-bye in the car and I remember the conversation we had after I dropped him off and had tucked myself into bed. (Yup, that's right, I drove because even though I didn't know it at the time, he didn't have a license) I remember feeling that this was a different first date. 

A few weeks ago, I read something in a book that made me think about our first date thirteen years ago. 

In You Have to Kiss A Lot of Frogs by Laurie Graff, the main character of the book describes how the first movie rented by a couple can described the entire relationship. While it wasn't a rented movie (I unfortunately don't remember that movie), it was our first movie together.  I would have thought that the title of our first movie date would have been an indication that we were doomed to fail, but standing here today, I know that it was perfect title.
What was the movie you may ask?  Something witty, something romantic, maybe something sad?  No, it was the movie about World War II: Saving Private Ryan.  It is a well done film about several soldiers looking for one soldier right after the invasion of Normandy Beach.  It may be graphic, heart wrenching with moments of sadness, but it also has moments of happiness.  If I had read this book after our first day, I would have thought that a movie like this would show this was not a relationship that could last.   I mean the movie is about WWII, that just says disaster right?  I never really thought about the movie or the title, but after reading the Graff book, I finally did.  And the content of the movie is not what is important, it's the title.  I think the title is an actual depiction of what the last thirteen years have been like.  Adam has saved me.  I didn't know it then, but I was about to be thrown into a war that would last several years and I would need to be brought home to safety just like Private Ryan.  Adam helped me save myself while showing me the strength that lived inside me.  He is my home, he is my safe place. He showed me that it was okay to walk away from the war.  It is okay to be my own person and survive on my own.  In moments when I question my choice or decision to leave the war, he reminds me that I am strong and I am safe. 

Well, our first movie was not romantic, but it was memorable and true.  Adam saved me.  He may not have shiny armor, but he is my knight and I am glad that we are in this together.  I hope when we go out this weekend to celebrate our first date with a movie that that title tells the story of the next thirteen years.